I said ‘I couldn’t hear what the waiter said they were out of—he said they were out of something. I think they’re out of lobster, maybe.’ Mom said ‘oh no, I’ll ask him to say it again when he comes back.’ I said ‘no no no, no, I think they’re just all out, I think there’s just no lobster maybe. It’s fine, I’ll get another thing.’ Mom said ‘maybe he’ll say it again and we won’t have to ask.’ I said ‘we can dream.’ Mom said ‘they can’t stop us from dreaming.’

Waiter returned, told mom they’re out of the thing. Mom said ‘what was that?’ he repeated. Mom looked at me action movie-style, like ‘should I proceed,’ I shook head ‘no,’ mom smiled at waiter and said ‘thank you.’ He said he’d come back in a few minutes. I said ‘it seems like there’s no lobster.’ Mom squinted and said ‘it would seem that way, wouldn’t it,’ nodding conspiratorily. Mom said ‘oh honey, it’s just so nice to be here with you, I’m so happy we’re here.’

Mom said ‘I think I’ll have a glass of the sove-in-yon blonck.’

Ordered kale salad, clam chowder, scallops. Mom ordered beet salad and trout. She said ‘is the trout especially good’ after ordering. Told her Tao and I would usually sit at the bar and she said ‘he was usually heavily on something right?’ I said ‘no, we’d just both be on Xanax.’ she said ‘I thought there was a time he was really misbehaving, being on something and telling you what to do, right?’ I said ‘I don’t think so.’ Thought she was referring to a time he was vomiting on heroin, and I was insisting he drink water and we argued and I came home early.

10:21pm: they brought us bread. Remembered how Tao and I would refuse bread. Didn’t say anything.

10:22–11:[something]PM:

•  mom liked the food a lot and said things about how cheap it was for what it was

•  told mom the last time i was here was when tao and i had ‘let’s tell people we’re separated, officially’ conversation. she said ‘oh dear.’ i wanted to reassure her it was fine, i was just noticing something i had forgotten, but i was unable to put it to words other than ‘it was really okay’ or ‘we were sitting at the bar’

•  drank two glasses of wine each, remember mom pouring remainder of her first glass into second glass and thinking ‘mom knows how to do it’

•  mom said something about liking the music and asked me if i liked it. think i said it was okay but too loud. she told the waiter she liked the music but thought he was probably tired of it. he said the music changed every night and it was okay

•  remember mom’s face smiling a lot and both of us saying stuff about the food

•  remember asking what was going to happen with her and dad