he was parking the car. the place was hard to find. the next text from him is five days later, about work.

i’m not trying to make a big deal about this. i am thinking a lot of clichés. it’s a cliché to get sentimental about ‘anniversaries.’ also hard to not think about this right now. reading old emails and chats and text messages, knowing how things turned out, the stuff we weren’t paying attention to seems so obvious. all the parts where he was trying to pretend he wasn’t getting more and more disappointed and i was trying to pretend everything was okay. getting drunk and arguing and apologizing the next day. i’m the worst. ‘the one who took the ship down.’ real sinker.

it’s childish or uninformed to think ‘one person is responsible for a relationship failing.’ i know it’s not just one person. blahballah.

10:15AM: TWO THINGS:

1.  i hate it when the computer or the google says ‘look, it’s a new thing, this is how it works, click this box to make this window go away. i said click this box to make this go away. you need to click it. you can’t do anything until you click it. i need to know that you understand that i am doing something new for you, i am showing you my new thing i made just so you have an easier time with me, HM, do you like that, do you…can you at least show me you NOTICED my EFFORTS by CLICKING this SIMPLE, EASY-TO-CLICK BOX, TELLING ME THAT YOU UNDERSTAND THAT I HAVE IMPROVED FOR YOU?!?!?!’ I’M NOT ASKING FOR YOU TO FALL IN LOVE WITH ME AGAIN, JUST NOTICE SOMETHING I DID FOR YOU, OKAY?’

2.  would think perfect geometric shapes would grow the same way as plants, like why is there no ‘cube patch’ where families take pictures of themselves picking ‘cubes with cubic leaves’

(#2 is a little lofty)

10:47PM: mom has entered room twice this morning.

TWO MOM INTERCEPTIONS:

1.  mom said ‘can i ask you a science question that i don’t think you’ll know the answer to and that probably doesn’t matter?’ i said ‘sure.’ she said ‘alright. well. so, with all of this sea salt, the sea salt has gone up in popularity. we’re all buying sea salt. and i used to buy morton salt, you know, because they said it had iodine in it, which is supposed to be good i guess. but does that mean…? with all of this non-iodized salt now, that we’re suddenly eating—or rather not eating—iodine. so what does that mean?’