11:55pm: remembered i had left a bag of clothes and my guitar at dad’s apartment when i got to mom’s. drove to dad’s. the fake teeth security guard was there with a ‘cop buddy.’ i was on the phone with dad. the guard didn’t remember me maybe, motioned for me to stop so he could write down my license plate number. the cop said ‘you know, when you see a cop you have to at least pretend to not be on the phone.’ i sort of hung up. made a face and said ‘i know i know, i’m sorry.’ the cop said ‘he’s writing down your plates so i can give you a ticket.’ i said ‘really?’ he said ‘no, just pretend better next time.’ the security guard saluted me (for people just tuning in, he always salutes).

MAY 18, 2013

12:32am: dad helped me transfer clothes from the broken bag to two bags. we looked for a capo and a tuner. then we were standing by my car for a while. we seemed to be prolonging conversation intentionally, maybe. dad reminded me to get my oil checked.

dad always wants to show me how to check the oil. when i was little i liked watching him wipe the dipstick with the paper towel and put it back and take it out again and kind of turn it and say ‘looks about right.’ he also used to cut open vitamins. there would be a bunch of vitamins on a paper towel and he would dissect them with his pocket knife. he is always ready to help cut something open with the pocket knife.

i checked my oil and dad watched. i did it right. i put in a quart.

12:33am: fake teeth security guard saluted me and i saluted back. haven’t felt confident that my ‘salute’ would not look like a ‘heil hitler’ until tonight. he said ‘have a good night hon.’ dad calls him ‘captain [something].’ now i know a captain is almost the highest you can get the navy. now he is a security guard. this and the previous thing and to some degree all the stuff i’ve written about dad sound corny. it didn’t feel like it.

1:14AM: walked inside mom’s a few minutes ago. she’s been watching youtube videos of the international space station. she said ‘there’s gotta be long periods of nothing, i know there needs to be, before you feel like something makes sense, you know. before you feel like you fit somewhere. i know, it’s happened to me a lot. there are just these periods.’

5:41AM: snorted 40mg adderall. thought it’d work better since stomach is full.

6:27AM: it would maybe be bad to enlist today since i didn’t sleep and i have adderall eyes.

9:01AM: took a break from typing a few hours ago to figure out why i thought ‘may 16’ was important. found the number of an abortion clinic in gmail. looked at text messages. on may 16th i texted zachary ‘it’s the building attached to the bank’s apothecary…suite 202’