10:58pm: dad drove us back to his office. i forget what we talked about and what reminded me it was probably a year ago today when i found out i was pregnant. i said something like that. dad said something in a gentle voice. i said ‘it’s may seventeenth, right?’ he said ‘yup, may seventeenth, that’s today.’ i knew i didn’t find out on may 17, i felt that not being true. i remembered ‘may 16’ as something important. dad made a right turn into his office. he said ‘what was that like, finding that out?’ i said ‘i threw up, after i saw it. found out. threw up in the toilet. then i cried a lot. i didn’t know what to do so i called mom. i was just crying a lot. then i called zachary, i think, or no, i waited for him to get home, he was at work.’ dad parked and didn’t turn off the engine. he said ‘i remember we were parked in this very spot, or one like it, when you told me about how you had that done, the d&c. i was happy you told me but i was so sorry you had to go through all that.’ i was embarrassed for having brought it up. i knew we both knew i didn’t have a ‘d&c.,’ and that he was maybe embarrassed too, which is why he’d want to call it that. i said ‘i’m happy i told you too. i wasn’t going to. i thought. something about nana, you’d get mad at me like nana got mad at you.’ i stepped out of the car before he turned off the engine. he said ‘oh no, no, no. i want you to feel like i’m,’ (sensed him stepping out of the car and walking near me but i didn’t want to look), ‘you can say anything, have a seamless, open communication with me.’ he hugged my arm a little. his other arm was holding the toolbox. i did something ‘icky’ that i do sometimes, in situations where the other person seems more emotional than me, i’m embarrassed to type this. i said ‘i do, i feel that.’

dad said i should always feel free to call him or leave him voicemails or emails, he always wants to hear more from me. i said ‘i know you like voicemails and stuff like that. i think i’ve been feeling too ashamed of myself, to talk. like i know you want to hear from me but i’m ashamed to tell you about what my life is like because i’m not doing anything, i haven’t been interested in anything. and it’s always nice that you want to hear from me. it’s just hard to imagine why, for me, like why would anyone be interested when to me it feels so, you know, so it’s hard, yeah it’s felt too shameful to talk about.’ dad nodded a moment. he said ‘you know, i think i get that. i didn’t think about it like that.’ i said ‘but now i’m interested in something, so’ and smiled and we hugged. i said ‘now i’ll get to tell you about space.’ dad said ‘that’s right. oh i can just tell things are getting better now. there’s nowhere to go but up,’ broke the hug to point at the sky, said ‘hey! mars, that’s up, you’ll go to mars, you’re going up!’