there was this part where it’s just a close-up of undulating horse feet…was laughing so hard there were tears…

looked at videos on a person’s youtube channel i was brought to by another person’s baboon invasion video. the first invasion is a lot calmer than the other one.

11:00PM: watching ‘tweaking on meth in walmart’ videos on youtube. i wanted them to keep going. seems like a beckett play. beckett’s lost magnum opus. he figured out time travel and he took two actors with him and they filmed this time travel piece together. then they invented meth, the three of them, and planted it somewhere for us to find in the future. that’s how we have meth. ‘tweaking on meth in walmart’ videos were recommended to me because of things about dressage horses and other drug things, i think. youtube thinks i want to watch stuff move differently.

11:18PM: i feel significantly stupider than when i woke. actually wait, i woke in new york last. i forget. people like to watch ‘tweaking on meth in walmart’ videos to make fun of the meth people or walmart culture or something. seems stupid, i would spit in the face of someone who watches to laugh at the people. pictured spitting into a comment and it hitting the person and my scalp got tingly with ire. tingly dressage horse ire, working up my rage.

11:21PM: GOING TO EAT SOMETHING NOW AND THEN SLEEP FOR THE NIGHT SO I CAN HAVE ENERGY TO GET BOXES OF CLOTHES/BOOKS FROM STORAGE UNIT, DRIVE BACK TO NYC, GET KITTY LITTER AND FOOD, WORK ON STORY, RESPOND TO THINGS. ALL BY TOMORROW NIGHT. OR ELSE.

11:54PM: for the past hour there have been cashew chunks lodged between my nose and somewhere in the back of my throat. ‘somewhere in the back of my throat’ = first draft title of ‘somewhere i have never travelled, gladly beyond’ by e.e. cummings.

i only know about that poem because of ‘hannah and her sisters,’ which is semi-famous for being responsible for letting people know about ‘the easter parade,’ but i think i just found ‘the easter parade’ online and didn’t notice it in the movie.

it’s crazy how much shit there is like that floating around in my head and a lot of that shit will never have words.

here is another example of one of those things, this one almost vanished into the ether: have noticed mom has hung most of her framed pictures low. i like mine to be high. it feels safer when things are above me.

MAY 2, 2013

2:36PM: slept 2AM-5AM, 7AM-2PM. ate 5mg xanax, two macaroons, three ‘pecan meltaways,’ glass of ‘right from the cow’ milk. drinking coffee. last night i ate an everything bagel with cream cheese, half a pit of hagen daz coffee ice cream, bites of other carby shit, cookies. watched youtube things about the universe and ASMR videos. currently sitting cross-legged in bed, texting with colin. there is a problem or something. he gave me the wrong name of the owner and i called the owner but his nephew picked up but said the name is fine.