10:01pm: received this text from unknown number: ‘just zachary, texting from his ipad. feel free to reply to this number, which goes to my ipad, somehow. but yeah sorry if that’s how late interactions have made you feel, you don’t need to stop bugging me, you haven’t been bugging me. glad new place thing is working out, that seems like a good place, would like to say hi sometime. okay!!!’

10:37pm: pulled onto shoulder. Made myself vomit into burger king bag paper bag inside of a plastic bag. It leaked. Put everything into another plastic bag and vomited until nothing came out. Tied bag in a knot. Heavier than I thought it’d be. Threw it into woods.

10:39pm: cleaned face, fingers, areas of the car with cucumber face towels that smell like being in Spain with Tao and, now, the last night in Philadelphia apartment, sleeping on couch. Un-paused ‘one hit wonder’ by everclear and it played where it had left off.

11:22pm: swallowed Vicodin from Mira. Texted response to zachery wood and texted atcolv that I hoped he got home safe.

APRIL 28, 2013

12:06am: feeling optimistic things from Vicodin. Nearing mom’s.

12:59AM: have eaten three pieces of toast with butter/jam, another vicodin, glass of ‘fake milk’ (half & half mixed with water and chocolate milk powder). ate b-vitamin, niacin, omega-3 oil thing that makes burps taste lemony. both parents are here. stupidly interpreted remarks about my ‘stuffy nose’ defensively.

6:25PM: fell asleep watching ASMR videos. ate 2mg xanax. think i ate maybe five small pieces of toast with butter and jam.

earlier mom brought me a ham and cheese sandwich and hugged me really hard. she said ‘you’re not really going away, i know you’re not.’ it sounded like she was crying. i hugged her really hard back and, aware of a double-meaning i preferred not to acknowledge aloud, said ‘i’m not going anywhere, mom.’

earlier i asked dad for xanax and he gave me 60mg in ‘blister packs’ and made his face look fake-concerned and said ‘i needed to steal these from a priest’ (he was just giving me what he usually gives his friend, who is a priest, he likes to say…exaggerate things…with a look on his face, things like this, like ‘i’m going against the rules’ sometimes).

tomorrow i’m getting a computer at macmedics while dad and two ‘mover friends’ load my storage closet things into a u-haul.

then we’re driving to new york.

then all my stuff will be in once place.

me and the cats and the stuff.

then everyone will be gone but me and the cats and the stuff.

7:16PM: laying in bed. sky is very gray and almost night again. woke around 3PM after falling asleep around 2AM. called superintendent of new building to see if i could move in tomorrow. pooped. mom is saying unprompted things about how it’ll be okay, people from ikea know how to put together furniture. i said ‘i know how to do it, or zachary can help.’ she said ‘oh i thought you weren’t on good terms with zachary.’ i said ‘no we’re fine, it’s. he would help, it doesn’t matter, don’t listen to me, everything is fine.’