3:41PM: feels like ‘doom.’ does anyone else reading this feel ‘doom?’ solitary confinement christmas basement doom. want to do something fluffy today, like frolic around in nature, escape the doom. unsure of where to go in nature where i won’t feel doom. i’m in nature. shit. i’m going to drive to…western maryland…see mountains…do i want to nap…shit…just want to frolic about…want to take alvie and shirley on a walk with leashes…picturing me in a meadow and ‘20 tubes of colored liquids appearing in the sky, slowly targeting and ‘tunneling’ down to me on earth, pouring onto my head/into my mouth, completely engulfing my body but i don’t get wet.’ is that so much to want from life…lol…

3:42–9:50PM: looked at internet passively. answered questions. i forget most of what i did. decided to see ‘the place beyond the pines’ at 10:35PM and order take-out. strong urge to masturbate before i left apartment.

9:54pm: driving to ‘asian taste,’ to pick up sushi. No longer hungry after masturbating. What would happen if I did nothing, like less than this, for as long as possible. Wearing sheer black shirt with a galaxy print over a sheer beige bra. If you look carefully you can see my nipple. Two nipple asteroids hidden beneath galaxy.

10:07pm: ‘Asian taste’ called to ask if I was coming. Picked it up. Going to eat in car now before movie.

10:44-11:59PM: bought ticket from a guy in a suit with long dreds. he said ‘for how many?’ i said ‘just one.’ impulsively livetweeted movie from unedited twitter account as placeholder for liveblogging.

APRIL 18, 2013

1–1:30AM: Eating seaweed salad leftovers w/chopsticks in car. Man who sold me ticket and janitor just walked out of theater. We are the only people I can see in the parking lot. Heard car start behind me and ‘make em say unh’ playing, then car driving away, fading out, and now nothing.

I want to keep partying all night in a 24-hour movie theater. I want to work an overnight shift doing whatever in a huge strip mall place with huge empty parking lot.

3:46AM: parked far from dad’s apartment door. imagined person mugging me, giving them everything i have on me, then if they wanted to rape me i’d say ‘i have AIDs’ but somehow that wouldn’t stop them from raping me, they’d just kill me after the rape. arrived at apartment door. imagined me sprawled out in front of apartment with blood coming from two big gashes on the backs my thighs that went down to my knees and me staring up at the sky like ryan gosling when he died in movie. gosling-style. there was also blood around my head.

3:50–6:00AM: ate a cadbury mini-egg, 1mg xanax. tried to fall asleep to ASMR videos about food, then thought ‘you haven’t eaten much lately, treat yourself.’ decided to smoke some of my dad’s pot eat the rest of the cadburry mini-eggs. then i put peanut butter on three fig ‘triple berry’ newtons. then i ate half of the bag of fig newtons without peanut butter, just raw-dogging it.