6–7:00AM: smoked more pot. wanted to watch people eating chocolate as i was eating it to ‘intensify the sensory experience.’ looked at nigella lawson video, then porn.

7:40am: wonder who the first person to order pet meds to get high will be. probably me, re alvie’s anxiety. i’ll get him pet meds for me. how do some people just know how to cook, they know enough to have shows about how they do it, we want to see that, this is what people want to see

everything looks/feels like porn right now

friends = comets that orbit every few years

3:35PM: woke feeling good. ate two fig ‘triple berry’ newtons, wanted more. ate under ten quaker ‘cheddar cheese rice quakes.’ ate under ten cashews.

4–6:58PM: fed cats. made coffee. watched youtube videos about life in prison. jogged to move car in ridiculous outfit. smoked cigarette in backyard. have been feeling plagued by not knowing what drugs/food i want.

7:12PM: gave cats treats. drinking a canned ‘amelia earhart’ brand of sparkling water with ‘essence of raspberry.’ seems insane that my dad bought this…like aol.com morning rush playlist thing…eating smallish stack of cheddar cheese pringles. read ingredients and felt solidarity with inmates from prison food documentary.

8:02PM: going to yoga at 8:30. cheddar cheese pringle-eating has stabilized, half the can remains untouched, no longer interested. want to eat sushi and seaweed salad again. last night i ordered a shrimp tempura roll, salmon/avocado roll, and spicy scallop roll from ‘asian taste.’ so good. asian taste. i want to see another movie again but it’ll be too late after yoga. feel like i’m on vacation.

9:47pm: looked for parking spots near yoga for about ten minutes and gave up. Drove to mom’s to check mail and get books to mail tomorrow. Feel shitty. Ate an orange. Talked with mom on the phone and felt looming thing, she asked me how I was and I told her I’m not doing anything, seems like life is going to continue being nothing, so hard to want to do anything right now. Like even talking to people I like who I feel happy around seems hard. The world is happy and functional without me in it. I’m barely in it now and it seems to be thriving, aol.com has news to report, people have things to say and other people are interested in hearing them. It would be fine without me here. People would adapt and continue to thrive and say interesting things to each other.

9:56PM: mom called as i was parking at dad’s. she said something like ‘i just wanted to say that i know you’re going through a hard time and i don’t want to minimize the fight you had with dad, i want you to know i’ve felt the way i think you feel before, and that it’ll get better, and no matter what i’m always less than five minutes away on the phone, if you’re ever feeling hopeless and alone and like there’s no one.’ it felt like she meant it. thought ‘she might actually really get it, people might actually really understand what it’s like for you, that’s a possibility, start considering that possibility more, you don’t believe people enough.’