12–2:30pm: dad woke me and had made coffee. Paul McCartney live concert video he likes to play in the morning was playing. We were acting careful around each other. Felt heavy, still do. Apologized for letting argument be so long. He did too. I said ‘I don’t want to do that again, it doesn’t seem to help, we just feel bad and say things we’ve said before and we won’t remember.’ he said something like he’s okay with talking that way and not remembering and doesn’t want to avoid in the future. I said ‘I’m just not going to let it happen again, I could’ve prevented it.’ he said something like he didn’t want to prevent it. Felt like ‘fuck…’

2:42pm: have car again. Woman drove beside me asked if she could get in front of me. Seemed nice. Had epiphany that ‘I’m the one deciding my life feels bad, I could just as easily think it’s fine, yeah it’s just fine, there’s just always good and bad parts, the main thing I feel bad about is aging/things I thought I’d be doing now, might as well accept things how they are.’ Not the first time I’ve thought this but seemed helpful.

2:53pm: in whole foods parking lot. Watching teenage-looking boy sit on a ledge with his back to me, doing some kind of ‘sharpening chopsticks’ whittling maneuver. Thought ‘Walter Davis, I wish.’ Still feel heavy from argument. Parents are at the beach until Monday, invited me to come.

3:01pm: whole foods was out of the green juice I like. Mostly wanted to go there to ‘do a lap, check if it’s still there,’ didn’t really want anything. Chopsticks boy was still there when I arrived at car. Going to ‘take it easy’ on me today, no pressure to do shit, I’ll feel less heavy and more able to do things if I don’t pressure myself for a little bit.

3:06pm: one thing I want to say before break: a Kia SUV was behind me at red light. Remembered getting trained at the book store with two people: Nate, who would become my friend, and a girl named Kia, who didn’t make it through training. She called out twice due to car problems. I forget if Nate or me started saying ‘Kia dead.’ It became a thing we’d say.

One more thing: one time in the back room Nate and I were on the schedule to do ‘book buyback’ orders and we found a Santa Claus costume, which we took turns wearing. We put on Christmas music and took people’s orders with the Santa outfit. This was in May or June, I think.

3:15pm: car ahead of me honked again. Girl on sidewalk said ‘hey! Where you going?’ driver said ‘to study hall, what about you?’ she said ‘I’m going to donnelling.’ they were quiet and looked at each other and waved when the light changed.