‘that doesn’t work, i know you don’t mean it, you’re just trying to take initiative and do parenting instead of letting me, which is nice but i don’t think ultimatums work’

‘it would really do you some good, do you the trick, this lady i found’

‘i don’t think i would make it for six months here’

‘well, you know what i think’

‘wait this is actually helpful because now i know what i don’t want, so this is good, i know something i don’t want now, that’s sort of like wanting’

(this was a good part, before hugging and it being over for a little while)

‘it’s a real head trip [forget what followed this, was surprised i spontaneously said ‘head trip’]’

‘so what you’re saying is your view of me from your perspective is the only view there is?’ (dad, multiple times, this one really gets the circle going)

‘you seem so angry to me, in general’

‘i don’t believe in anger, anger is bullshit’

‘it’s just an emotion’

‘yes but it is a secondary emotion. anger: the emotion secondary to pain and fear.’

‘well then you seem very in pain and afraid to me, in general.’

[seems like he agreed, facially]

“tired’ is not an emotion, it’s a physical sensation.’ (he said this a lot)

‘to me it feels like both. it doesn’t even matter, we know what ‘tired’ means.’

‘it is absolutely based on your physical state.’

i sound rational in this description but think argument was mostly me talking in an uncontrollably emotional voice. dad sometimes sounded intentionally calm/machine-like, which provoked me or something, like he was ‘showing off’ his calmness and suppressing calling me on my bullshit. at one point i said that. but no bullshit was called. at another point i said i was continuing to argue only so we would remember the argument as insanely long and un-repeatable, because we had learned. dad seemed briefly interested in this and we like, shared a moment of ‘should we?’

6:06AM: eating an apple. roof of mouth is hot/itchy, maybe swollen. turned fan to ‘white noise’ but can still hear dad snoring. headache. no sleep for close to 36 hours again. alvie is howling and being insatiable. worried he’s going to pee on me.

6:11AM: goddamned me and arguing and car shit and not replacing the visitor pass and thinking i’d just be at dad’s for a few hours. ‘told by an idiot full of sound and fury in the end signifying nothing’ is good to mentally repeat, instantly calming. when i came inside from the cigarette after discovering car was towed dad opened the door before i did, think we both looked the same way, like ‘drained of shit.’ was surprised to see him at the door but unsure of why.

6:38AM: trudged through itchy mouth apple. eating 1mg xanax. ‘master of the house’ playing in head. yuck.