9:21PM[yesterday]–3:44AM: insane circular argument with dad. allowed myself to continue arguing mostly via thinking the amount of times i was repeating myself would become ridiculous, like dad would definitely notice, which he didn’t, even when i started accompanying repetitions with ‘i’m repeating myself again.’ dad is big into ‘cause and effect, family history, explaining things’ and i am big into ‘if you ask for permission to interrupt me you’re already interrupting, just do it or don’t do it, it doesn’t matter, you’re doing it to be polite but it actually feels impolite, it doesn’t seem fair to expect me not to act annoyed when you said you didn’t want to ask permission anymore but you keep doing it.’ felt like i was ‘channelling tao’ and dad was ‘channelling me.’

at the end he said ‘it’s just an innocuous movement’ about a…jesus. i noticed he was turning out the lights and asked him why, because we were still talking. he said ‘this? this is just an innocuous movement’ in a ‘neener neener neener’ voice. followed him to the bathroom and sarcastically said ‘me too, look at how ‘innocuous’ i am when i follow you.’ he brushed his teeth slowly and said ‘i see.’ i said ‘why not brush your teeth again.’ he said ‘i don’t know what that means’ like he knew exactly what it meant but it was ‘beneath him’ to acknowledge this (i didn’t know what i meant by ‘why not brush your teeth again’ but felt like a class-A-bitch-to-high-hell as i said it). walked outside with backpack, to drive to new york for interview. looked for my car.

3:45am: looks like my car has been towed. Dad drives a dodge challenger, which suits his arguing style. Sat on stoop and smoked cigarette. Man with dog said ‘good morning.’ Thought I saw a giant full moon rising from ground but it was just a window.

5:17AM: twinkly music i heard on dad’s birthday is coming from his bedroom. the guided meditation CD. seems ‘hard to take.’ it was sad the other night, but tonight…jesus. one of the cats peed on my bed. car towing place isn’t answering phone. dad and i hugged and apologized three times but seems like we each sadly and silently agree that the other is impossible.

5:28AM: it feels good to be laying down. wearing ‘clothes for 11AM interview/photo shoot.’ no car. no busses to NYC until 8:45AM. comically bad timing. rescheduled interview for next week, april 22.

quotes i remember from argument:

‘well is there anything you want?’

‘no i tried everything i don’t want to be awake i don’t want to be asleep i don’t want a person i don’t want alone i don’t know what to do i don’t want to be here i don’t want to live anywhere i don’t want to be awake or asleep or awake’ (me, crying)

‘you’re staying here and going to therapy for six months’