7:56pm: on the way out the door I said ‘I’ll be back later tonight. Then new York tomorrow.’ mom said ‘oh be careful up there. You know, the Boston marathon.’ I said ‘maybe they just bombed because they wanted them to run faster,’ laughing. Mom laughed and said ‘no no no! It was when they were already at the finish line!’ I put an orange in my bag and said ‘well I’ll be sure to use all the back roads on my way up, as usual.’ mom laughed and said ‘yes yes.’ I said ‘’ey! I’m walkin’ here’ like Dustin Hoffman in midnight cowboy. Mom laughed really hard, surprising me. I remembered the walking/marathon connection and laughed. Mom said ‘this is terrible, think of all those children without parents!’ I said ‘and how lucky those parents must be.’ mom said “surround you with a bubble of light,’ she doesn’t mean it, I swear!’ I said ‘it knows I don’t mean it.’ mom said ‘I know they know you don’t mean it.’ I was at the bottom of the stairs and said goodbye and locked the door. Before school my mom would say ‘surround you with a bubble of light, keep you safe from harm’ and wave her hand around me in a circle. The ‘it’ and the ‘they’ we were referencing is/are the universe, or god.

8:38pm: made a few turns to continue scanning liveblog for interesting things to read while smoking two cigarettes

8:42pm: fake teeth security guard saluted me and I saluted back. He said ‘have a good night hon.’ I said ‘thanks, you too’ and meant it.

8:51PM: fed cats. walked around apartment, like someone watching would think ‘she’s busy.’ ate 60mg vyvanse before leaving mom’s. texted rachel back. matthew donahoo emailed that there was a jeopardy question about ‘homeland.’ going to shower, promote reading on social media, practice speaking part of liveblog i’ll be reading. feel like i’m about to audition for acting school.

9:22PM: this is an introduction to my reading tonight. i will be reading an excerpt from a liveblog (which i am currently typing this sentence into) documenting my daily thoughts and activities, which i began on march 17. i started the liveblog because i was feeling unhappy and like i’ve been unwittingly allowing myself to act in ways that further my unhappiness, so seeing these things written down might help me be more aware, and if nothing else, get me in the habit of writing again because writing used to feel good.

the sentence you just heard has been said aloud maybe seven times in less-organized forms as i was showering about twenty minutes ago.

APRIL 17, 2013