6:49PM: something just happened. mom showed me this thing. apparently dad had ordered her this thing, it just showed up in the mail. she asked me to guess what it was. then it seemed like she wasn’t going to wait for me to guess. wanted badly to guess. could tell guessing what this thing was would be the highlight of my day. mom kept squeezing its handle at me and this little rubber mouth would move. it was a sphincter-like movement. then this happened:

mom: [comes at me with thing, pressing handle, cackling]

me: no get the jebadoh away

mom: what?

me: i said jebadoh, but i meant ‘jedi’

mom: oh my god

[somehow deduced this thing is used for something pertaining to the toilet, goddamnit now i forget, was laughing in a manner like i was gasping for air this whole time, i asked ‘if you don’t wash your hands before you use it, will people stop being your friend’ and mom said ‘yes’ and i laughed more, somehow deduced this thing is designed to grasp toilet paper and aid in ass wiping, it’s an ass wiper, couldn’t stop laughing]

mom: your dad saw it in one of those tacky catalogs he likes, you know, like ‘robin wright…’

me: are you going to say ‘robin wright penn’

mom: well or you know, it’s something like that, ‘wright’

me: sean penn’s wife, robin wright penn

mom: there’s a catalog called ‘robin wright’

me: asswipes, robin wright penn [can’t stop laughing]

mom: it’s ‘walter drake’

me: walter drake, harriet carter [can’t stop laughing]

i know the feeling of reading about how someone laughed. i hate that feeling but too bad. going to read this over and over again all by myself and laugh forever and ever.

8:52pm: stood in kitchen leaning on counter, looking at phone. Mom said ‘what are you doing? Are you just standing quietly?’

8:55pm: asked mom what the movie she wanted to watch at 9pm was called. She didn’t remember. Said ‘I bet you’ll remember when I get back’ in a strange voice as I descended stairs. Locked door. Those would be really good last words. ‘I bet you’ll remember when I get back.’ Actually might be better for murdering, in murder situations, murder-specific.

8:56pm: trying to see through rainy windshield. Driving to dad’s to procure Adderall. Squinted and felt like Wayne knight when his Jeep breaks down in ‘Jurassic Park.’ Mistaking a lot of things for other things. I know people like to shittalk how people say ‘feel like’ and ‘seems like.’ That’s all. Just, know that I know that. I know you do that. I’m watching you.

9:08pm: haven’t slept in so long. Feel like I’m dying. Pictured annoying Zen figure hitting my head with a stick and saying ‘you are.’

9:34pm: mental functions seems rapidly deteriorating. Van in front of me says ‘your next car: PenskeCar.com’ but I mean is that really my next car gotta give them a call