9:42pm: got lost somehow. going to dad’s apartment is what i’m doing, on the way to do. pulled into CVS parking lot to re-calibrate GPS. Thinking things like ‘certains’ and ‘chumly’ and ‘fiendish’ and ‘barnaby the string eater’ looking at apple right now how’d this apple get here

9:44pm: ended voicemail to Colin with ‘okay, bye-bye.’

9:52pm: going to type what I’m thinking in rapid succession: I’m losing it, my marbles, off my rocker, rocking out, heavy metal garage band, toy boat, where my dads, blinky buttress, that show on MTV with Matt Pinfield, did I ever mow the lawn completely, mow mow, mowrats, the momeraths out grabe, powpowpower wheels, dicey jukebox, the hellish landscapes of a Peruvian metal crisis, financial distress

11:36pm: somehow was capable of having heated vague two-hour conversation with dad about problems with our interactions, which ended with us hugging a few times and making jokes. When I walked through door dad almost immediately presented me with ‘Mindfulness and Depression’ CD and other things in a hurried manner, repeating himself a lot, pointing to his credit report and explaining things as if I was the person who would be assessing it, but it was like he thought he was ‘in trouble’ with me and forgot who I was. Instead of nodding and being quiet so it would be over soon, I said ‘when you explain and repeat things and give unsolicited help I feel like it means you think I don’t understand and need to be fixed, so I’m sort of a failure, and since I’m a failure it might mean you think you failed at parenting me or something. I worry about that, I feel guilty or something.’ Remember saying ‘when I can tell someone is anxious about talking with me and seems to mostly want my approval, I don’t feel comfortable, I act fake and nod my head, I wish I didn’t feel like doing that with you.’ Talked about how I don’t like it when he asks for ‘permission to interrupt me’ before he comes into whatever room I’m in, even though I say ‘just always come in, it’s always okay’ and have been telling him this for years. Said ‘I feel like if someone I liked told me I didn’t need to be anxious around them I’d be happy.’ Told him his asking permission sometimes seems sarcastic because I thought he knew I was never doing anything important. He denied the sarcasm strongly. He has always thought I’ve been doing something important. How could he think that. I believe him, but. What a disappointment I must be. He was generally receptive, asked questions, and voiced problems with me too (mostly related to my problems with him, which is a similar dynamic I’ve experienced in relationships, which is…I don’t know). Feel like a little tyrant or something, typing this—like he is kind and generous and wants good things for me, so I shouldn’t have problems. Told him that and he expressed a strong preference for me not keep problems to myself. It’s always sort of hard to remember exactly what dad says. He uses a lot of generalizations and nonspecific buzzword-style language, like ‘the self’ and ‘being for the sake of being’ and pronounces some pronouns with capital letters.