8:09PM: sitting on balcony. the sun was setting when i came out here but it’s mostly down. considered making today ‘extremely short day,’ where i mostly sleep. i don’t feel like doing anything. just want to watch TV or read or passively absorb the internet.

8:14PM: dad came over. i’m still on the balcony. feel really good for some reason. like, ‘the first night of a calm vacation in a log cabin with someone i’ve been in a relationship with for three months, but we still lovingly debate over when it officially started.’ that feeling is influenced by how it smells like someone is lighting a fire, like, burning leaves or something. smells really good. traffic sounds and spring peepers, also. hm.

8:42PM: mom opened balcony door and said dinner (lemon chicken over pasta, with these sick as hell rolls called ‘popovers’) would be ready in ‘[blinks fingers on the palm of her hand] five minutes.’ feel happy right now. why do i feel so happy.

balcony door opened, mom asked if i wanted her to make a plate for me and bring it outside. i said ‘no, no, no thank you. i’ll get it.’ she said ‘it’s just the pasta, it’s taking a little while to not be al dente,’ pronouncing ‘al dente’ with a self-conscious italian accent. i said ‘that’s okay, i’ll just get it in a few minutes. thank you.’ she said ‘dad and me actually figured out he’s seen all the ‘homelands’ but two, to where we’re up to from last night. so, he’s only two behind.’ i said ‘oh good good.’ felt overwhelmed with ‘goodness to everything’ urge. i said ‘i would even like to watch the entire episode, from the beginning, from last night. that we fell asleep during.’ she said ‘oh good, me too, me too.’

8:53PM: ate 1mg xanax to maximize taste for impending chicken dinner. hrrrrlllll yarrrrllll. (‘hrrll yarll’ is what you say when your teeth are too clenched and excited for ‘hell yeah’). on a maybe related note, i’ve lost 10lbs since beginning of march.

11:30PM: answered backlog of ask.fm questions. dad is bringing home ice cream. going to watch the shit out of some ‘homeland’ with parents. partying hard tonight, need to stay hydrated. might eat another xanax to make the ice cream party harder on my tongue. fucking…fuck ass…live from new york it’s saturday night!!!!

11:34PM: repeated ‘I WANTED THE PINT ALL TO MYSELF BUT YOU CAN HAVE A SCOOP BUT TAKE A SMALL ONE’ to parents…a lot…goddamnit…have church hymn stuck in my head that goes ‘glory to god on the highest / and peace, to his people on earth.’

APRIL 14, 2013

2:10AM: ate 1mg xanax, brushed teeth, washed face, peed.

4AM: woke. ate 1mg xanax, wafer-like cookie thing.

12:40PM: woke.

12:41–[unknown time]PM: answered questions on ask.fm. some idiot thinks i’m liveblogging to be ironic. i don’t care about being nice or detached or whatever anymore if i think someone is saying something truly idiotic, thinking they know what i’m doing more than i know. i wish bad things upon this person, even if it’s someone i like. i wish for this person to burn.