APRIL 13, 2013

12:01–2:21AM: finished seventh episode of ‘homeland.’ mom brought in pringles and the baba ganoush. tricked her into giving me most of the chips, by making her think she had taken too much…seemed devious, what i did…at some point i said ‘i haven’t eaten in three days,’ out of guilt, wanting to justify eating. mom said ‘and i have, ho ho ho!’

2:22AM: woke near the end of a ‘homeland’ episode. mom said ‘i’m too sleepy.’ i said ‘me too i’m going to sleep.’

2:25–2:45AM: peed. picked at face in mirror. thought ‘you look so old, your skin. eating so poorly.’ got in a trance. skin picking trance. washed and applied tea tree oil to face, coconut oil to body. put on pajamas. didn’t feel tired anymore.

2:45–4:00AM: ate 1mg xanax. tweeted that i’ve been awake since 2:57PM april 10. felt dehydrated bladder irritation things and drank water. set up camp on toilet for a long time, waiting for water effects to ‘kick in.’

watched aol.com newsreel, ‘morning rush.’ mostly entertainment-based news. they interviewed hugh hefner’s new wife, who is 26 and looks older than me. in the newsreel i remember…oh, it was about a kidney donation. strange to me, their coverage of a stranger donating a kidney to an old man. the stranger was a woman on a couch with her girlfriend. thought ‘they’re doing this for political reasons but [lost interest].’

peed finally (a lot of pee) and went back to bed. covered head with blankets and fell asleep to an ASMR video.

1:26PM: got a glass of milk and two oreos from kitchen. mom was reading on the couch. i said something about cookies. thought ‘sweet, i’ll sleep for another hour.’

6:46PM: woke. made four small pieces of toast. toast was fucking good. sat at dining room table, between kitchen and mom on the couch. mom asked if i dreamed and i told her my dream. i was driving to D.C., to meet with a therapist in adam’s morgan, at her apartment. she asked if i wanted to have a sleepover and turned off the lights. i couldn’t sleep. there were sick dogs outside.

mom said something about how she thinks brody’s wife on ‘homeland’ is a terrorist. she used examples, one of which was that mandy patinkin’s wife is indian. i said ‘there aren’t indian terrorists.’ mom said ‘well, i know, i know, but remember he calls his wife ‘brown?’ i said ‘people just call…that’s normal.’ felt endearingly, half-seriously irritated at her, like ‘come on mom, you really thought people lived on the moon?’

mom said, about bread, ‘it’s not even the whole foods kind, it’s from wegmans!’ i said ‘i bet it actually has been the wegmans kind all along, they’re doing that on purpose. because look: look at the bags. the bags look so similar.’ she said ‘you! i’m gonna punch you in the face’ and walked over to me with the remaining baba ganoush dip and sort of…put the dip up to my face. it was funny.