i’m just being lazy with typing, i feel fine, i’m better typing this is improving something

why is shirley licking the bed, you ask?

because shirley knows how to party

7:25PM: feeling more alert, engaged in act of typing, i was just needing to engage myself in something. colin just emailed me lease signed by landlord and says i should hear from them soon. okay. ‘leaving here’ act [unknown] scene [unknown], take two.

wait before you go, you need to mention that as you were typing all of that you thought ‘this would be an interesting place for this to end, like if i died in car crash and couldn’t update again.’ so. by saying this right now i’m undoing that thing. though now it would be interesting, this new element. if i died after writing any of this. hm. just have a feeling, very strong feeling i’m not going to die. damn, but now…that thought is in this vortex, it’s gained some kind of intelligence, like in ‘contagion’ where the virus keeps mutating and beating everything. hold on i think i’m beating it. in my head. not typing this part. my face just…i like, made ‘a person is watching as you are suddenly attentive to something’ face but no one is here. okay i beat it, i beat the dying thought. shit. shit…there are so many thoughts i’m not including now, about how i just needed to restart process, am now re-beating/outsmarting it, because that’s part of the process. this is fun. i’ve done this before, i think. shit need to restart. shit. hold on.

i figured out a system to beat the afraid i’ll die thing. it’s a pick-up system. i can’t update right now because anything i type will seem like ‘perfect last words.’

9:12PM: it’s raining. does not bode well. got in car and said ‘you can’t look at your phone if you want to get out of this’ aloud and the mothership-like seriousness stopped. drove to petsmart. raining hard at petsmart.

9:20pm: have been sitting in car looking at instagram since 9:13pm. Scrolled to the bottom of my feed and something happened. looked like pictures were coming out of my phone. Red-orange lights on the edges of peripheral vision are twinkling mildly. Sometimes there is a blue light. Realized this via thinking ‘is it a cop moving towards me.’ Why is this happening, this didn’t happen the night I was up for this long in march, is this from adderall

9:40PM: mom is making eggs for me. hrrrl yarll.

10:12PM: watching judd apatow movie about being 40. feel better after eating. in the beginning paul rudd was talking about his penis and i was eating sausage. said ‘well i can’t eat this right now’ comedian-style and mom laughed. paul rudd’s peepee. now he’s trying to wake his daughter by saying ‘[whisper noises] i actually hate youuuuu.’

10:17–11:59PM: ate toast, banana, chocolate ass milk. i liked the movie. it turns out paul rudd was 40, also. surprise ending. started eighth episode of ‘homeland.’ shittalked mandy patinkin’s backwards-talking a lot, to mom’s delight, it seemed.