9:29AM: sitting on balcony. obsessively checking all online things. writing this to stop feeling obsessive. ate maybe 20mg adderall maybe 20 minutes ago. have yet to feel effects. things i’ve searched on youtube: ‘learning how to speak english conversation,’ ‘how to speak english,’ ‘how to be less depressed.’ watched a tim and eric thing about going to the ‘shrek 3’ premiere. funny.

THINGS I REMEMBER HEARING ON TV, AS I REMEMBER HEARING THEM:

•  this is a story about how seven strangers lived together in a house where they stop being polite and start getting real

•  because you hear it [DJ record scratching] first

•  the touch, the feel, of cotton: the fabric of our lives [sung in a certain way]

•  pow pow power wheels

•  crossfire you get caught up in the crossfire you get caught up in the crossfire you get caught up in the

•  just…keep…i’m just hearing the ‘where they stop being polite and start getting real’ thing over and over…think that’s all i really wanted to say, everything else on this list is irrelevant

THINGS THAT MADE ME CRY WHEN I WAS LITTLE:

•  the part in ‘goodnight moon’ where it says ‘goodnight mush’

•  an alphabet VHS tape made by toys ‘r’ us where each letter was an animal, for ‘n’ it was ‘newt.’ the last line of the song was “n’ is for newt and i think he’s cute, i’m sorry he plays all alone’

•  big football player in ‘free to be you and me’ who sang a song like ‘it’s alright to cry, crying gets the sa-ad out’

when zachary and i were taking trips from our apartment to move things into travis’ basement, i saw an empty plastic container that looked like it came from one of those 25-to-50-cent toy vending machines. it was on the lid of the washing machine. for some reason i kept looking at it, probably every time we dropped off a load of stuff, and thinking “n’ is for newt and i think he’s cute, i’m sorry he plays all alone.’

think i just wanted to say that. all of this, everything you’ve read until now, everything since march 17, 2013 was all to say:

1.  where people stop being polite and start getting real

2.  the plastic container on the washing machine reminded me of the newt

10:08AM: that would be a good place to stop forever.

7:55pm: in parked car, thought ‘doing this is making you feel worse, no you just aren’t regularly talking to anyone but parents anymore, that’s what was going on before you started this, you weren’t really happier then, you were just enjoying writing funny things and hadn’t used up all your insight/examples, like the beginning of a relationship, everything always just planes out maybe, no don’t say that you can still make it exciting’