9:45pm: dyed hair reddish. Matthew donahoo video from email yesterday is a scene from a movie where the guy draws a diagram of what negative thinking is like. He lays down some real shit. Highly recommended. Avoid that triangle. Considering making ten triangles of my greatest hits of negative thinking image things. Seems hard at the moment.

10:09pm: bought envelopes, exercise shoes, mint green dress without trying on, gum that said ‘buying this gum will feed a hungry family somewhere.’ felt woman behind me in line, looking at me, standing too close to me. Thought ‘feed your own goddamned family’ at her, not knowing what I meant. Thought it really hard though.

10:31pm: this is my last pack of cigarettes from the carton. After this I’m buying an electronic cigarette. Caving in. Will probably ‘accidentally’ throw out window.

10:59pm: things went well at dad’s. When I walked inside he was talking to Janice, a therapist I think, who I used to like talking to when I worked at his office doing secretary stuff in summers home from college and one high school summer (2003-2006 I think). She said ‘I haven’t seen you since…’ and my dad made his hand child-height and I said ‘two-thousand three?’ Highly pleasant person, that Janice. She is ‘salty,’ I think. I asked how she was and she said something like ‘how good can you be? I think I’m evening out after a period where things have sucked.’ I said I was moving to rockaway park and wanted to be a nursing aid. She said ‘that’s good to hear, you’re making a change, I sit and listen to these people all day and it’s like ‘oh my god, it’s the same thing,’ for years.’ I said ‘yeah it like, doesn’t even matter what the change is to me, it’s just been too much of the same thing for too long.’

11:13pm: it’s raining big fat droppies hell yeah. Hell yeah rain smell. On the way to feed cats.

CLARIFICATION TO UNIVERSE:

When I said ‘if I fail to complete at least one thing besides ‘FedEx lease’ and ‘eat something non-meat/carb based’ today something bad will happen to the five people I think about most’ I meant ‘today’ like ‘from now until I sleep’ not ‘today’ like ‘from now until 11:59pm.’ I think the universe understood that but people reading this might not have, and they are part of the universe, so maybe could effect universe maybe.

11:18pm: I’m on 83S. Ambulance with lights on but no sirens is behind me again, on the same road/in same lane I noticed the same thing a few nights ago.

11:29pm: I’m using liveblog as surrogate boyfriend or something. There is this thing, ‘Harlowe’s monkeys.’ they let hungry baby monkeys pick between a food dispenser and a foodless wire monkey resembling a monkey mom. They always picked the wire mom.

11:33pm: arrived at dad’s. Fake teeth security guard yelled something friendly and incoherent.

11:52pm: slammed hard enough on brakes to make skidding sound before red light.