3:23PM: on bed, next to shirley. little puffy shirley. i’m sad about wandering howling alvie thumping around nervously, like he’s experiencing trauma all of the time. last night he kept looking at me like ‘i’ve lost my passport, please may i still board the plane?’ i am giving him extra long pets and saying ‘you special boy, you’re my very special alvie’ in gentle voice.

4:30PM: ate 60mg noopept, chewed a 30mg adderall with front teeth.

5:08PM: re-watched crying videos, emailed rion.

6:53PM: have been doing minimal computer things. think i need glasses. normal ‘looking at words’ face now involves squinting. typed ‘screaming’ instead of ‘squinting’ unconsciously. emailing jordan. headache has returned. ate another 30mg adderall. tolerance is shitty now. still haven’t showered. still unmotivated to do another B.D.O. thing. interested in full-body muscle atrophy, becoming some kind of cephalopod.

7:09PM: endeared by a youtube video for a chief keef song with 25 million views not having an ad.

8:03PM: finished third email response to jordan. feels really good to be talking to jordan again.

TIMES I HAVE LEFT AIR MATTRESS TODAY:

•  to get coffee

•  to get coffee refill and eat noopept

i saw myself in the mirror once, on the return-walk to air mattress room. reflection looked like ‘me: age 8,’ ‘me: age 40, heavily beaten,’ and ‘me: ageless me-looking ghost desperately trying to leave this body.’ wearing a pink hooded sweatshirt and shiny red pajama shorts.

9:28PM: called dad back. amicable phone call. he offered to bring home food again. neither of us ever know what to eat. he said he was considering arby’s because they seemed healthiest, among fast food choices, then described some of their sandwiches. he said ‘sliced turkey.’

9:48PM: treated myself to a nice tall glass of water with crushed ice from the ice-maker/dispenser fridge console. using glass from old apartment. fed cats. alvie is usually the most vocal about being fed and eats the least. he follows me closely while i open cans and i trip on him sometimes in a way that feels like ‘my feet get caught in alvie.’

9:52PM: in tao’s email he said he wanted to get divorced for taxes before april 15, but then i’m like. ‘does he just want to involve himself in the liveblog, he commented that thing about wanting to directly influence liveblog.’ i know that’s not it. i think. i think he’s being honest about taxes. but that would be funny. i would love it, i think, would delight in including it all the more, if he did it to directly influence/place situation in liveblog.

10:47PM: chewed maybe 17mg adderall with front teeth. ate 60mg noopept. i hate how pills/drugs taste at first but then i like it. cats heard noopept bag and ran to me, thinking it was their bag of ‘greenies’ treats, no doubt. i gave them treats. now we are all partying. bathroom light is no longer doing a strobe light effect, though. had to fix it. couldn’t take it anymore. out-partied by yet another bathroom light: the megan boyle story.