I sat down on the sofa and covered myself with another one of Gram’s quilts; it was almost as good as a hug. I stared out the front window and tried to stop thinking. Sitting in this familiar place, surrounded by the night sounds I hadn’t heard since I was a kid made my mind wander to places I didn’t want it to go. Luke had been in this house just as much as I had. I could look anywhere in this place and find a memory. I propped my feet up on the coffee table and tried to rein in my racing thoughts. I was tempted to call Rose, but I was not ready to admit defeat.

Since Will had died, I had been a whirlwind with no time to think. With so much other stuff to focus on regarding his death it was easy to bury my grief. Then later after I’d developed pre-eclampsia and had gone on bed rest, I had my pregnancy to focus on. I had been so afraid I would lose Calla—the only part of Will I had left—that I had forced my mind into a state of blankness in order to keep my blood pressure under control. I hadn’t been alone like this since he’d died. I had nothing to distract me, no funeral to plan, insurance company to call, clothes to donate, or newborn baby waking up every hour or two. Jane, Mom, or one of my sisters weren’t here to check on me and keep me company. I mean, my kids were here, but they were asleep, so they didn’t count right now. Right now, I was stuck in this dark quiet house losing my freaking mind.

I got up again to check on the kids. Both were still asleep.

I can’t stand this.

Tension built in my chest. Did I drink too much coffee today? God, I hadn’t had any coffee since I’d found out I was pregnant. I felt like I could run a mile in a minute or jump up in the air and fly. I was about to burst out of my skin. I continued down the hall and descended the creaky staircase once more to head into the kitchen. I dumped my Diet Coke, turned on the tap, and filled a glass. I sipped and squinted against the beam of light that shone through the window. It looked like a flashlight beam shining in the distance. The glass I held shattered as it crashed to the floor. Gram was going to be so pissed!