“Shoo, Levi, Jude. Go down and get something to eat. Lily and I need to talk,” she commanded my youngest brothers, who were lounging on the giant sectional playing Xbox. They took one look at me, each gave me a hug, and then they practically ran down the stairs. They were twenty-five and allergic to female tears and emotions of all kinds. I turned and plopped down onto the overstuffed couch and found a pillow to hug.

“Stop hugging pillows, Lily,” Mom demanded. “You have your mama to hug now.” She sat next to me and pulled me sideways into her arms. “Tell me what happened. Luke seemed so determined to make things right with you. I’m surprised it went badly,” she said.

“It didn’t really go bad.” I sniffed as I rested my head against her shoulder. “I just couldn’t talk. I took one look at him, and it was like going through a screwy time machine. Being near him again was so familiar, yet my brain kept reminding me that he left me had how much it hurt. He attracted me like always, even though he looks so different. It was so confusing.”

“How was he with Dylan?” she prodded.

“Perfect. He said everything right. Dylan is going to love him, which makes me happy, but I also think of Will. Dylan was so natural with Luke, and it made me wish we’d all been together all along. Then I felt guilty, like I was betraying Will. I loved Will so much and I still do, just not like…” I covered my face with my hands. I couldn’t even say it out loud.

“Not like you have always loved Luke,” she finished for me.

“Yeah,” I whispered.

She reached out and brushed the tears from my cheeks. “Honey, we all loved Will. But he wasn’t Luke. Luke is the one for you. He was your first love, your first everything. Diana and I used to dream of you two getting married.” She laughed sadly as she remembered her best friend. “Even as babies, you gravitated toward each other. You have an identical twin sister, and sometimes it seemed like you were closer to Luke than to Rose.” Diana died in a car accident when Luke was eight.

“This is just too much. I didn’t know I would feel this way. I shouldn’t have gone over there so soon.” I shook my head. “I’m done with being upset. I’m just going to quit thinking about it.” I decided.

“You have to talk about it, Lily. You can’t just stop thinking about things.” She was incredulous. My mom was a thinker, an analyzer, and a problem solver. I tended to ignore things until they slapped me in the face.

“Why? I have more important things to focus on.” I pulled out of her arms and sat back into the corner of the sectional.