A moment must be taken now to consider love and sex. These are not, of course, the same thing. We are all aware of occasions when we want love and not sex. Similarly, we are all aware of occasions when we do not really want either. We want to do something else at the time. For example, we may wish to finish a problem or play chess. It is less clear that there are occasions when one wants both sex and love. One surely wants sex with a person whom one loves, and who loves you, but that is not precisely the same as wanting, simultaneously, sex and love. On the other hand, presumably there are occasions when one wants both sex and love simultaneously. When one senses the loneliness of the universe one might want both love and sex, the holding and the comforting; or, perhaps, when one intends to conceive a child, one might wish the two simultaneously. Let us distinguish between loving someone and, so to speak, having love with them. We all know individuals whom we love, but we are not always in a position where we are, so to speak, doing love with them, that is, exhibiting and feeling emotions of love. One can “do” love while doing sex, but it is doing two things at once. It is sometimes easier to “do” love when walking together with one’s wife, holding her hand, talking to her, caring for her, than it is when approaching orgasm.

There is no doubt that neutral observers, without axes to grind, will admit that sex can interfere with love. It need not, but often it gets in the way. I myself, when I become sexually aroused, often find myself becoming sexually aggressive; I find myself wanting to dominate the woman, to drive her wild with pleasure, to possess her, to own her, to make her helplessly mine. I want her. I want to have her. These are not precisely the same emotions I feel when, perhaps afterwards, with great emotion and tenderness, I express my love for her. Love can lead to sex and sex can lead to love, and there can be sex simultaneously with love, but they are not the same thing.