‘This needs to stop,’ Mum announces. ‘You’re not my keeper, Rhys, and, whilst I don’t want us to fall out, Derek and I agree that you were out of order.’

Derek sounds like a cock.

‘As he said, I am entitled to a relationship. It’s not healthy to pretend you and your brother were enough for me for the rest of my life. I am a woman who needs companionship, not just well-meaning sons.’ There’s a beat. ‘Son.’ It’s like a punch in my stomach each time she corrects herself. Does it do the same to her?

Mum hugs her tea, her hands interlocked around the warmth. She’s gazing out of the window. I go to say something but she holds up her hand to stop me, so I wait for her to muster the strength to say what’s on her mind.

‘Sometimes,’ she says eventually, her voice small and distant. ‘I wake up in the morning and, for the briefest second, I’m in the life we had before.’ She smiles, gently. ‘David is asleep in his bedroom, or at the very least on his way back from Michelle’s.’

I look away at the mention of her name.

Mum turns to face me. ‘And then I remember. And it’s like I’ve lost him all over again. The pain is as deep, Rhys. Deeper than words can say.’ Her smile fades as her eyes fill. The tears wobble then topple down her cheek. ‘And I cry. I cry for how I failed him. How I lost him. How I, his own mother, couldn’t make it better for him. And my God, son, you have no idea how much that hurts. You can never understand what that’s like. Even if you go on to have your own children, Rhys, you won’t get it. And I am glad of that.’ She takes a breath. ‘Because I wouldn’t wish this on anyone.’ She reaches to her chest, pulling at the pain before retrieving a tissue from her sleeve and finally wiping her tears.

Normally I’d get up and give her a cuddle, but there’s something fixing me to our David’s chair. Mum looks tired, but she also looks determined. I want to say something, but nothing feels right.

‘If Derek helps in some small way, if he gives me back some motivation in life, some happiness, well, I think I deserve it. If losing a child has taught me anything, it is to live for today. Appreciate every second. To love and be loved, Rhys, you know my feelings on that. Love might not have saved David, but maybe it can save me.’ A cold spread of fear bubbles inside me. She’s about to announce she loves this Derek and I’m not ready for that; I’m really not ready. I’m not ready for any of this, for life moving on. I’m not ready to leave him behind.

Not that my show with Michelle backs that up.

Mum looks down at her uneaten breakfast and places it on the floor. ‘I am trying to respect your feelings, Rhys. And I won’t force my life on you. But as Derek says—’ I look up sharply at the repetition of his name. She swallows, not finishing her sentence this time, reading my response and perhaps being the bigger of us both. Instead, she nods once to mark the end of what feels like a well-rehearsed monologue.