The two of us were caught in a dance, a farce. Only I couldn’t do what needed to be done to dispel it. I couldn’t kiss her, couldn’t sweep her away. Couldn’t make a space safe enough for her honesty. Because this, her keeping something from me, was uncommon and unfamiliar. She’d never hesitated to tell me anything, even at events, even under the gun. She always found a quick moment to make a joke or admit her worry.

And that made it feel like she was hiding something.

As I strode away to find refuge in the ballroom, my thoughts seesawed, taking turns kicking off and floating down. She would tell me. But she’d kept something from me. She cared about me. But she’d cared about him for longer. She’d said she didn’t want that life. But she’d chased that life for most of hers. Every positive had a negative to pull it back to the ground like gravity. But I kept pushing, hoping at some point that other, worried part of me would tire out and leave me on the high.

Trust her, I told myself.

And that was the thought I held on to, no matter how terrified I was of gravity.

24

Best Laid Plans

LILA

The ceremony came and went in a rush of silk and heels and flowers, the procession perfect, the vows exchanged, the rings slid onto waiting fingers. The best and worst thing about the Felix sisters was this—their entire lives might be orchestrated for television, but their love wasn’t. Or at least in the case of Angelika and Jordan, who wrote beautiful, if not a little vapid, vows, his voice trembling with emotion and her tears streaking her face.

I oversaw every step, anticipated every pitfall, of which there were several. No exploding cake, though I’d rounded up a last-minute contingency plan for that too, just in case. I did, however, save Angelika from tripping over and-or ripping her dress, stopped a potentially violent spat between Sofia and Alexandra about whose bouquet was better, salvaged a minor microphone issue seconds before the ceremony began, and straightened out a carpet issue. Literally, I straightened it so the wrinkle didn’t break somebody’s leg. With the heels on the Felix gams, it wasn’t a possibility. It was an eventuality.

In fact, everything had been so intense and so fast, I hadn’t had time to consider Kash or the fact that I’d kept something from him. I’d wanted to tell him everything Brock had said, but I didn’t. In that painfully distant conversation, I’d said nothing, unwilling to dig into any of it now, tonight. But Kash saw through me as he always did. The brief look of mistrust stung bitterly, and I’d vowed to tell him the second this night was over. At this rate, it seemed like it might be a flash.