I’d known Kash for more than a decade, and I’d never seen him with a girlfriend. Girls, sure. But steady relationships? Never. Even now, the only woman I knew of was Ali, and even that was enigmatic. I didn’t feel it was my business to ask, as if speaking of serious things, such as past relationships, was oddly intimate, too close to a true relationship status, which we avoided discussing whenever possible. It was clear in the way he’d proposed our arrangement and the history of his relationships—or lack thereof—that he wasn’t looking for anything more. Never mind with me, the prissy, stiff girl who was so unlike him.

But that didn’t change the fact that I did.

And now that I knew, there was only one thing to do.

Tell him.

Deep down, I’d known I’d catch feelings, even if I’d insisted in the frivolity of a fling. But I’d thought it’d be easier to manage. Be more clear, how I felt. Take longer to develop.

Brock and I hadn’t agreed to be exclusive until we’d been dating for six months. I love you had come somewhere around a year—after we were living together. In college, I’d dated Chad for three full years, and we’d never even discussed living together. Before I’d left LA, Todd and I had seen each other for a year and never even referred to each other in relationship terms like boyfriend, girlfriend, or even an It’s Complicated Facebook status.

I noted then that I’d only dated guys with douchebag names. Not that Kash was much better, though the thought of calling him Kassius was deeply unappealing. I couldn’t see myself screaming his full name in bed, but Kash? A flush crept over me at the mere thought. That was a name I could whisper all night, and had.

Hopefully I would in the nights to come—once I told him, I might not have the chance.

The instinct was a sweeping tide, a compulsion so strong, it felt as if I wouldn’t be able to do or think a single thing until I told him. So I took a breath, honed my focus, and dove into a rationalization.

I couldn’t bolt into Longbourne with a declaration on my lips. I had to play it cool, play it smart. The moment had to be right—the right moment could make all the difference. I’d know when, but I had to pay attention. We would spend the better part of our day together, so I’d observe through the lens of my newfound knowledge to determine just how and when I’d let him know.

With that ambition guiding me, I lifted my chin and hoped.