Then once again, one of them asked if I had anything to say to other gay athletes—as if suddenly I was the spokesperson for the rainbow league. I hadn’t given much thought to that kind of statement, but I did know what I would have said to myself.

“If you’re out, then stand strong. If you’re not, don’t be ashamed of who you are. If you’ve made a choice to keep it on the down-low, just know that your choice can and will change when you’re ready. You will get to be who you are, both inside and out.”

They were unimpressed, but to be honest, my own statement left me a little stunned. I had actually said something that didn’t sound entirely idiotic. I was almost eloquent.

“What are you going to do now, Ash?” they asked.

Historically, when sports figures are asked that question by reporters, the standard answer is usually, “I’m going to Disneyland.” Sorry, that was not gonna happen here.

“I’m going to live my life with no apologies,” I told them. “And anyone who has a problem with that can go fuck themselves.”

I’m sure that last part got bleeped out on the news. Thus perished my eloquence.

The reporters thanked me. One said they’d use it on a bigger piece on hate crimes, another said it would be available online, but the third crew—the one with the actual news van—said to look for it on Sunday’s national evening news.

The crowd began to disperse. Nothing more to see here. Hunter came over to tell me how great it was that I dropped an f-bomb, then left with his friends. Paul and Leo came up to me from different directions, which suddenly made things awkward.

“So what changed this time?” asked Leo. “Because I’m still in a world where everything sucks.”

There hadn’t been time to think about why I failed to shift. Too much going on. Too many things drawing me out of myself. Was I no longer the subjective locus? Was it over? Was this where the world would be left?

“So what changed this time?” Leo’s question still hung in the air between us, but I couldn’t answer him, because Paul was right there.

“Paul, this is Leo. He’s a friend of mine.”

Leo looked Paul over. “So this your dude?”

“Yeah,” I said, “Paul’s my boyfriend.” I believe that was the first time I said the word “boyfriend” out loud. Even after the big steps, there were still so many small steps to take.

They shook hands, but it was awkward on more dimensions than I care to count. It’s a bitch when your secret life meets your other secret life.

“So how do you know each other?” Paul asked.