Finally I reached out and wrenched the guitar out of his hands. It let off an ugly twang and fell silent. The moment he was free from it, it was as if a spell had been broken. His shoulders slumped and his back hunched. His irises dilated the tiniest bit to let in a little more light.

“It’s still in my head . . .”

“It’ll be all right.”

But it was as if my words were a betrayal rather than an attempt to comfort him. “It won’t be all right. It won’t! Stop saying that it will!” Then he began to sob. “What’s wrong with me, Ashley?”

“It’s not you, it’s the world,” I told him. “But I swear to you, there’s a way to make this right, and I’m going to find it.”

Then the expression on his face changed. I can’t even describe the way he looked at me. There are lots of things I wish I could forget—but nothing more than that look of helpless, hopeless anguish on my brother’s face.

“What if you’re looking in the wrong place?”

There was nothing I could do but wrap my arms around him and hold him. He just about dissolved into my arms, finally letting go, and putting all his trust in his big sister. In that moment, I knew I had to deliver. I had to find a way to knock myself back into Elsewhere and somehow find the long road back to where we started. And I couldn’t wait a week to do it, I had to figure this out now. Then once we were there—I would fix that broken relationship between him and me, because I was no longer the crude, blunt object that I had been.

27

World Without Miracles

It was my power hit that always sent reality reeling, but I was no longer a defensive tackle. Even so, being the sub-loc couldn’t just be a matter of size and muscle. It was more than mere brute force. Changing the world was about will. That was the force that tipped the balance and altered realities. Hurling myself against walls, slamming my hand in drawers did nothing. Believe me, I tried. All it did was leave me more bruised and aching than I already was. I even went the opposite route. I drew myself an EMP bath as hot as I could stand and tried to relax my way into Elsewhere. It didn’t even ease my perpetual headache.

It was dark when I got out of my bath, no closer to a solution than when I started. I checked in on Hunter—he had fallen asleep curled-up knees to chest. Fetal position. Whatever dreams he was having, I hoped they were easy ones.