I could have told him that, yes, something was very wrong, but I wasn’t ready to do that. I played my cards tight. For his own sanity as well as mine. “How do you mean?” I asked, trying to sound as oblivious as possible.

“I don’t know,” he said. I could tell he was getting frustrated with himself. It’s hard to fight all those parts of yourself that tell you you’re being ridiculous. “It’s just a feeling. And the weird thing is . . . I only feel it when I’m around you.”

I looked at him, watching him struggle to make sense of a feeling that made no sense at all. He wanted an answer, but I couldn’t give him one. All I could give him were more questions that would scramble his brain even more. But maybe he didn’t need an answer right now. Maybe he just needed comfort.

“It’s not your imagination,” I told him, but offered him no more than that. Even so, he heaved a breath of intense relief.

And it made me realize something. They say that misery loves company. That never rang true for me. But I do know that when you’re facing a vast unknown, company is the only thing that makes it bearable.

6

Hostile Territory

There are people who live in a constant state of stress because they spend their time obsessing about what might be. All the things that could go wrong. All the terrible tomorrows that, by and large, never arrive.

Then there are those whose thoughts are trapped in yesterday. Woulda-shoulda-coulda. All the regrets about missed opportunities and bad decisions that they can’t live down. All that effort and energy spent reliving things that can’t be changed.

And then there are people like me. I try to live in the moment. Isn’t that what we’re supposed to do? Experience life as it happens? Get the most out of every second of every day? But there’s a downside to that, too. Because when you live like that, you don’t think much.

There are these gurus who say thinking is the enemy. One self-help dude said he sat under a tree in a park for two years and did nothing but try to not think—like he’d rather be a bush than human. I guess thinking is the enemy if you’re spiraling into regrets, or imagining nasty futures, but otherwise thinking is the most important thing we do. It’s what sets us apart from shrubs and slugs.