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Chapters (62)
  1. Title
  2. Copyright
  3. Contents
  4. About the Author
  5. About the Book
  6. Dedication
  7. Your Worst Nightmare
  8. ONE
  9. TWO
  10. THREE
  11. FOUR
  12. FIVE
  13. SIX
  14. SEVEN
  15. EIGHT
  16. NINE
  17. The Answer to All Your Prayers
  18. TEN
  19. ELEVEN
  20. TWELVE
  21. THIRTEEN
  22. FOURTEEN
  23. FIFTEEN
  24. SIXTEEN
  25. SEVENTEEN
  26. EIGHTEEN
  27. NINETEEN
  28. TWENTY
  29. TWENTY-ONE
  30. TWENTY-TWO
  31. TWENTY-THREE
  32. TWENTY-FOUR
  33. TWENTY-FIVE
  34. TWENTY-SIX
  35. TWENTY-SEVEN
  36. TWENTY-EIGHT
  37. TWENTY-NINE
  38. THIRTY
  39. THIRTY-ONE
  40. Somebody Else’s Child
  41. THIRTY-TWO
  42. THIRTY-THREE
  43. THIRTY-FOUR
  44. THIRTY-FIVE
  45. THIRTY-SIX
  46. THIRTY-SEVEN
  47. THIRTY-EIGHT
  48. THIRTY-NINE
  49. FORTY
  50. FORTY-ONE
  51. FORTY-TWO
  52. FORTY-THREE
  53. FORTY-FOUR
  54. FORTY-FIVE
  55. FORTY-SIX
  56. FORTY-SEVEN
  57. FORTY-EIGHT
  58. FORTY-NINE
  59. Sunlight on Water
  60. July
  61. September
  62. Acknowledgements

‘I don’t think that now. I thought it for a couple of weeks. Then I thought with the way you and I have been . . . I mean, it’s a long time since you and I thought about each other in that way, and I’m not exactly an enticing prospect, am I? And I realised how shallow I was being and how crazy it was to even think about giving up on Evan, because that’s what I was thinking about doing, just abandoning him to his twilight world and saying, well, that son didn’t work out too well, so I’ll give it another go. I was putting my grief ahead of his well-being. I was being needy, when my needs pale into insignificance, into non-existence when you think about his needs. So I thought again, and I thought I wasn’t being much of a mother, was I, being pissed by four every afternoon and spark out on the sofa by seven. What boy could resist spending time with a mother like that? So in the spirit of being the change you want to see and in the interests of my liver, I’ve turned over a new leaf. Back to the old days of domestic efficiency and home comforts.’

Matt smiles.

‘I’m pleased to hear it.’

‘I just think it’s time we pointed the Ferrers family ship back in the direction of normal. You and me, at least. Especially me. Even if Evan can’t join us for the time being, I want there to be a home for him to come back to when he’s ready. There was a moment when I was watching EastEnders and there was a punch-up, all the usual shouting and violence, and it was like I could see myself from above, lying on the sofa, half-drunk in my don’t-care clothes with my don’t-care hair, just a mess. And I thought, the old me would never have done this, drinking from tea-time, watching soaps until I fell into a coma. The old me was busy and sociable and involved, and I thought how could I expect to find the old Evan when he’d come home to new me all raddled and slovenly and sprawled on the sofa? What right did I have to expect him to recover if I haven’t put a foot on that road myself? I want to set an example. None of us can be the same, I know that, but I want to be someone he wants to spend time with, someone who looks strong and together and capable. Someone who looks and acts like the mum he remembers, not this sad thing I am now.’