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Chapters (62)
  1. Title
  2. Copyright
  3. Contents
  4. About the Author
  5. About the Book
  6. Dedication
  7. Your Worst Nightmare
  8. ONE
  9. TWO
  10. THREE
  11. FOUR
  12. FIVE
  13. SIX
  14. SEVEN
  15. EIGHT
  16. NINE
  17. The Answer to All Your Prayers
  18. TEN
  19. ELEVEN
  20. TWELVE
  21. THIRTEEN
  22. FOURTEEN
  23. FIFTEEN
  24. SIXTEEN
  25. SEVENTEEN
  26. EIGHTEEN
  27. NINETEEN
  28. TWENTY
  29. TWENTY-ONE
  30. TWENTY-TWO
  31. TWENTY-THREE
  32. TWENTY-FOUR
  33. TWENTY-FIVE
  34. TWENTY-SIX
  35. TWENTY-SEVEN
  36. TWENTY-EIGHT
  37. TWENTY-NINE
  38. THIRTY
  39. THIRTY-ONE
  40. Somebody Else’s Child
  41. THIRTY-TWO
  42. THIRTY-THREE
  43. THIRTY-FOUR
  44. THIRTY-FIVE
  45. THIRTY-SIX
  46. THIRTY-SEVEN
  47. THIRTY-EIGHT
  48. THIRTY-NINE
  49. FORTY
  50. FORTY-ONE
  51. FORTY-TWO
  52. FORTY-THREE
  53. FORTY-FOUR
  54. FORTY-FIVE
  55. FORTY-SIX
  56. FORTY-SEVEN
  57. FORTY-EIGHT
  58. FORTY-NINE
  59. Sunlight on Water
  60. July
  61. September
  62. Acknowledgements

‘I’m very sorry,’ says the nurse. ‘It was totally unexpected. There must have been another problem we weren’t aware of.’

Matt is in a daze.

‘What do we do now?’ he says. The question is rhetorical, a reflection on the abyss of the future, but the nurse answers with practical details on undertakers and morgues.

Matt understands none of it. When he puts the phone down, Claire’s standing beside him. She puts her arms round him, and Matt begins to cry.

FORTY-SEVEN

FORTY-SEVEN

9 January

In the days following Jack’s death, some difficult decisions must be made. Matt and Claire are suddenly the owners of two properties, the Berkshire house where their life has been, and Ainsclough Top, where Evan is happier – as is Claire, now.

Matt and Claire are sitting in the kitchen, drinking tea and looking out on the view Jack loved, the view Matt grew up with. The rain has turned to sleet, and there’s already a covering of white on the home field. Evan is in the lounge, staring at the scattered pieces of an Airfix model, seeming to lack interest in any pastime at all.

‘I can’t just quit,’ says Matt. ‘We have a mortgage to pay, remember?’

‘Not for much longer,’ says Claire. ‘Whichever house we sell, there’ll be no more mortgage. Evan doesn’t want to live in that house again, and I don’t care about it either. It would get snapped up. Close to motorway links, good school catchment area. All the reasons we bought it will sell it again.’

‘And then what?’

‘We’ll live here.’

Matt’s cup is at his lips. Over its rim, he raises his eyebrows in incredulity.

‘Look at this place,’ says Claire. ‘Matt, it’s gorgeous.’

Matt laughs.

‘It’s old and draughty and bitter cold. Set one foot outside now and it’ll freeze your extremities.’

‘But Evan doesn’t mind that. He loves being outside. He’s flourishing here.’

Matt lowers his voice.

‘He’s not flourishing, Claire. He’s reclusive. He has no friends and no prospect of any. He’s got the body of a young man and the emotional age of an eight-year-old.’

‘That’s a defence,’ says Claire. ‘It’s the plaster on the wound while it heals. One day that plaster’s coming off, and there’ll be a new Evan underneath. In his own time, when he’s ready.’

‘I wish I shared your optimism.’

‘What’s the alternative, anyway? If he never moves on, where else can he be safe but here? What’s your suggestion, that we move to Maidstone or Bracknell or Slough, where he’ll stand out like a sore thumb? I know what you’re thinking, Matt. You’re thinking you don’t want to give up your company car and your designated parking place and your smart office and your seat at that big table in the boardroom.’