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Chapters (62)
  1. Title
  2. Copyright
  3. Contents
  4. About the Author
  5. About the Book
  6. Dedication
  7. Your Worst Nightmare
  8. ONE
  9. TWO
  10. THREE
  11. FOUR
  12. FIVE
  13. SIX
  14. SEVEN
  15. EIGHT
  16. NINE
  17. The Answer to All Your Prayers
  18. TEN
  19. ELEVEN
  20. TWELVE
  21. THIRTEEN
  22. FOURTEEN
  23. FIFTEEN
  24. SIXTEEN
  25. SEVENTEEN
  26. EIGHTEEN
  27. NINETEEN
  28. TWENTY
  29. TWENTY-ONE
  30. TWENTY-TWO
  31. TWENTY-THREE
  32. TWENTY-FOUR
  33. TWENTY-FIVE
  34. TWENTY-SIX
  35. TWENTY-SEVEN
  36. TWENTY-EIGHT
  37. TWENTY-NINE
  38. THIRTY
  39. THIRTY-ONE
  40. Somebody Else’s Child
  41. THIRTY-TWO
  42. THIRTY-THREE
  43. THIRTY-FOUR
  44. THIRTY-FIVE
  45. THIRTY-SIX
  46. THIRTY-SEVEN
  47. THIRTY-EIGHT
  48. THIRTY-NINE
  49. FORTY
  50. FORTY-ONE
  51. FORTY-TWO
  52. FORTY-THREE
  53. FORTY-FOUR
  54. FORTY-FIVE
  55. FORTY-SIX
  56. FORTY-SEVEN
  57. FORTY-EIGHT
  58. FORTY-NINE
  59. Sunlight on Water
  60. July
  61. September
  62. Acknowledgements

Evan reaches out and touches his mother’s arm.

Claire looks at him.

‘Evan? Are you OK?’

His face appears frozen, as if he’s glimpsed something which has scared him very badly.

‘What is it, sweetheart?’

Evan says nothing, but seems to have lost all interest in the TV. He picks up one of his bee books and opens it on his knee, but Claire can tell he isn’t seeing the page.

The programme runs on, and Evan never turns the page of his book, never jumps up to throw more logs on the fire.

When the programme ends, Claire feigns a brightness she isn’t feeling.

‘Shall I make some hot chocolate?’ she asks, but Jack prefers his whisky and Evan shakes his head. ‘Well, I want some,’ she says, and goes to the kitchen, but as she’s finding a mug and milk, she hears the lounge door open, and a few moments later, the creak of the second stair from the top, as Evan retreats in silence to his room.

FORTY

FORTY

17 December

Claire manages a smile as Rose leads Evan away, back into the cocooned rooms of the Vulnerable Witness Suite, trying to find the he’ll be fine optimism she relied on in his early primary school days, not finding it in this non-parallel situation. Back then, there were other mums to call, plenty to occupy her mind. Now she sits down on the lime-green sofa and tries not to be resentful, not to think how, as Evan’s in here, other women’s children are preparing for Christmas, rehearsing school plays, shopping with friends. Living normal lives. She thinks back to the days when Evan was small, to the excitement of Christmas Eve, to hanging stockings and putting out reindeer food, the shrieks and laughter on opening presents, the delight he took in looking out of the window for Santa Claus.

Times change.

Times do change. This time last year, Evan appeared to be lost to them forever, and life seemed a burden in every way. Now she’s living again for her son, at a time when his friends – boys like Stewie – are cutting the ties. She and Evan are bound together more tightly than ever, and she must try and encourage him back into a world he’s no wish to rejoin.

She has her cross to bear, but it’s surely much lighter than it was before he came back, and looked at from some angles, it’s no burden at all. This Christmas, that dreadful weight has passed over, to a family named Keslake she hopes never to meet.

Better by far to be sitting on this sofa than to be Mrs Keslake, weeping and desperate to know where her son is. Looking at it that way, Claire’s glad to be here, appreciating that there are far, far worse places she might be.