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Chapters (62)
  1. Title
  2. Copyright
  3. Contents
  4. About the Author
  5. About the Book
  6. Dedication
  7. Your Worst Nightmare
  8. ONE
  9. TWO
  10. THREE
  11. FOUR
  12. FIVE
  13. SIX
  14. SEVEN
  15. EIGHT
  16. NINE
  17. The Answer to All Your Prayers
  18. TEN
  19. ELEVEN
  20. TWELVE
  21. THIRTEEN
  22. FOURTEEN
  23. FIFTEEN
  24. SIXTEEN
  25. SEVENTEEN
  26. EIGHTEEN
  27. NINETEEN
  28. TWENTY
  29. TWENTY-ONE
  30. TWENTY-TWO
  31. TWENTY-THREE
  32. TWENTY-FOUR
  33. TWENTY-FIVE
  34. TWENTY-SIX
  35. TWENTY-SEVEN
  36. TWENTY-EIGHT
  37. TWENTY-NINE
  38. THIRTY
  39. THIRTY-ONE
  40. Somebody Else’s Child
  41. THIRTY-TWO
  42. THIRTY-THREE
  43. THIRTY-FOUR
  44. THIRTY-FIVE
  45. THIRTY-SIX
  46. THIRTY-SEVEN
  47. THIRTY-EIGHT
  48. THIRTY-NINE
  49. FORTY
  50. FORTY-ONE
  51. FORTY-TWO
  52. FORTY-THREE
  53. FORTY-FOUR
  54. FORTY-FIVE
  55. FORTY-SIX
  56. FORTY-SEVEN
  57. FORTY-EIGHT
  58. FORTY-NINE
  59. Sunlight on Water
  60. July
  61. September
  62. Acknowledgements

He feels the tightness in his throat which presages tears, a feeling with which he’s become far too familiar. Leaning forward, he puts his arm round Claire’s shoulder, where he finds more bones than there used to be. While he’s been growing portly on his on-the-road diet, she’s been getting skinny on Chablis and Pinot Noir.

She leans into him in a way she hasn’t since he doesn’t know when, and hides her face in his shirt, in his end-of-the-day smell of stale aftershave and sweat.

‘I can’t say I’m not struggling,’ she says. ‘I’d kill for a glass of white.’

‘Three days,’ he says. ‘I’m proud of you.’

‘I made myself a chart,’ she says. ‘Look.’ Standing up, she opens a cupboard door, where there’s a ragged piece of paper stuck up with Sellotape, two columns with the days of the week and next to two of them, a tick. ‘I’ll get my third tick at bedtime.’

‘That’s my girl,’ he says.

‘It’s hard. But every time I think about heading for the fridge, I think how much harder it’s been for Evan. Infinitely, immeasurably harder. I should have stopped the minute he came home. I don’t know why I didn’t.’

‘Because you weren’t ready,’ says Matt. ‘But if you’re ready now, I’m really, really pleased.’

He squeezes her shoulder and gives her a peck on the cheek. They continue to eat, and Matt feels the beginning of a lightness in his heart he hasn’t felt in too long.

‘He seemed better at the farm,’ he says. ‘Not happy, but more relaxed. Did you mind me leaving him there?’

‘I’m worried about him, but it’s not about me. Not if it’s better for him. Why do you think he’s more relaxed there?’

Matt shrugs.

‘The wide open spaces, maybe. He can see there’s no one coming to get him. I get the impression he daren’t go outside here, and who can blame him? In the middle of a field, there’s no threat.’

‘We should have thought of that.’

‘Maybe. But if he won’t talk to us, there’s no knowing what he’s thinking. Don’t be so hard on yourself. There’s no textbook or manual for this situation. We’re all just groping in the dark.’

‘I’ll come with you to fetch him back,’ says Claire. ‘Or maybe I could pick him up.’

When their plates are empty, Matt stands to carry them to the sink. He has his back to her when Claire says, ‘Matt.’