Lotion applied, hair in rubber band, I dab some extra sunblock on my nose before Kai leads me to the row of surfboards in the sand. I know I’m going to get the same land lesson the girls got earlier, and I’m dreading the part where I have to hop up from a kneeling position. Somehow, kneeling and jumping in a bathing suit in front of a man in public seems horribly adult-video-carnival-like.

“Let’s do it,” I say, gritting my teeth and assuming the position. God, how embarrassing. I look up at him, red faced, smiling desperately, fiercely.

Kai grins. “Okay, paddle, paddle.”

I make paddling motions the way he’s shown me.

“Okay, I’m going to push you into a wave, now on your knees.”

I’m up. Doggy style. Hate this. Really hate this.

“On your feet.”

I spring up, arms out at my side, and hold the pose.

Kai’s doing his best not to laugh. I see young girls watching from their beach towels, round bare bottoms tan and gleaming with oil. Aren’t they lovely. Aren’t I foolish.

“Great,” Kai says. “Let’s go.”

He wraps the leash guard around my left ankle, helps me carry my soft-top board to the water, and holds it while I attempt to slither—no, it’s a lurch—on. Kai tells me to slide down on the board, and I squeak down, inch by inch, thinking that none of this feels natural. There is no resonant chord from a previous life. I was not a Polynesian surfer.

We paddle out, which means Kai paddles, towing my board behind his with his toe on mine. I do try to paddle, but it’s a long paddle out and my arms are killing me before we’re even halfway there. I’m also spending a fair amount of time spluttering when waves hit us. Interestingly, Kai’s hair isn’t even wet.

But now we’re out, before the big lineup but far enough that the waves have some size. Kai’s got me facing the beach and the famous Waikiki strip with its beaches and hotels, yet all I can think about is the fact that he’s sitting on his board behind me. He must have an amazing view of my giant behind.

Behind the behind. Mortifying.

Worse, I can feel my classy one-piece Miracle suit creeping up, crawling higher on my butt cheeks. I want to tug the suit down to make sure the butt dimples are all covered, but I’m afraid of drawing his attention to an already sensitive area.

He shouts at me to paddle, and I try, but before I can even get to my feet I’m knocked sideways and off.

I drag myself back onto my board, and Kai retrieves me and faces me toward the beach again.

“Get ready to paddle,” he says. My stomach heaves. I clench the rails of my board.