Dr. Montgomery is talking again, reminding me to take my prenatal vitamins and schedule a checkup a month from now and other basic things I used to know. I just sit there nodding and tugging on the edges of my gown, desperate to get dressed and out of the office and on my way home. I don’t even know why I’m here. It’s not as if he and his staff can do anything for me now. I’m pregnant, I knew I was pregnant. It’s just a matter now of waiting seven or eight months.

Chapter Seventeen

Seventeen

In my car on the way home, I think and then don’t think. It’s overwhelming; there’s no other way to put it. What’s happening… what’s going to happen… it’ll change everything. Nothing will ever be the same. William and Jessica will go to their dads, and the baby and I will be home alone together. The baby and I….

Suddenly I hear Dr. Montgomery’s voice asking if I’m going to keep the baby or if I want to terminate the pregnancy. I feel squeamish all over again. Guilty and squeamish.

I have thought about getting an abortion. Of course I have. But even as I tried to imagine having a baby on my own, I tried to imagine driving to an office and letting someone take the baby from me, and I couldn’t do it. Couldn’t let it happen.

It was hard conceiving Jessica—two and a half years of trying and two miscarriages before she came along—and to think now, just when I never thought I’d have another child, I’m pregnant. Of course I’m panicking, but an abortion?

But what about the kids I already have? What about my family? What would another baby do to them?

I don’t know. Maybe once I could have said that having a baby would be good for them, but they’ve been through so many changes already, had the proverbial rug yanked from beneath their feet. What will they think—feel—when I tell them I’m pregnant and having a baby and there’s no daddy?

I’m in my driveway, and I turn off the motor, and just sit there. Finally I think about the one person I haven’t let myself think about.

Kai.

I have to tell him, don’t I?

And I can see him, all bronzed and blue eyed, tattoos inked over bulging biceps and dark hair slicked back from the perfect brow and cheekbones and jaw chiseled for a GQ model instead of a laid-back surfer from Florida.

What will Kai say when I tell him? What will he do? Think?