The burning lump is back in my throat, burning all through my heart and chest. “I wanted to be here, too.”

“But you weren’t.”

“No.”

Her arm tightens. “Mom?”

“What, honey?”

“Are you going back to Hawaii?”

I see the beautiful beaches of Waikiki and the palm trees curving tall across white sand, smell the sweet plumeria, and feel the pounding of my running shoes on Diamond Head Drive. I loved Hawaii. And Hawaii loved me. “No, baby. I’m staying home.”

I can feel her snuggle closer, feel the lift of her lips as she smiles contentedly. “Good.”

Chapter Sixteen

Sixteen

Jessica’s released the next day, and Daniel insists on being the one to drive her home. I’m left to collect all the flowers and balloons and stuff them into my car. I know William would help me if he were around, but he’s in school.

Daniel drives Jessica while I follow in my car. He drives to my house, carries her into the family room, and gets her settled in the bed I made for her on the sofa. As Daniel covers her with the comforter from her bed and tucks her favorite stuffed animal under her arm, I fill the tables around her with her flowers and balloons.

After Daniel leaves, I make us lunch—grilled cheese, Jess’s favorite, with sliced Fuji apples—before putting on an old VHS tape of Mulan. She’s seen Mulan a hundred times now, but she never seems to tire of it.

I’m fast-forwarding through the previews on the tape when I hear my cell phone ring. Could it be Kai? My heart jumps a little, and I count the rings before my voice mail picks up.

What if it was Kai calling?

And even if it was, what would we say?

I force myself to put thoughts of Kai out of mind and concentrate on Mulan and Jessica. I’m home where I should be. I need to be a good mom now. Focus on what’s important. My children. My family.

The next morning, I wake early to go check on Jessica. I tiptoe into the family room and see she’s still sleeping. Quietly I make coffee before retrieving the paper outside. I read in the living room, and when I hit the weather page, my eye goes automatically to the far corner of the Pacific where the Hawaiian Islands would be.

Kai.

I should call him, let him know Jessica is okay. But I’m afraid if I call, I won’t ever be able to hang up. I’m afraid I’ll start crying, afraid I’ll say something clingy and needy.

Better not call. Better move on. Better just get this sad phase over with, because I had to know somewhere deep inside me, in the small place I don’t like to go, that it was always going to end like this.