Back Expectation: a Novel Save as PDF
Chapters (66)
  1. Cover
  2. Dedication
  3. Epigraph
  4. London Fields
  5. 2010
  6. Hannah
  7. Cate
  8. Lissa
  9. Cate
  10. Abjections
  11. Hannah
  12. Lissa
  13. Soulmates
  14. Cate
  15. Lissa
  16. Hannah
  17. Resistance
  18. Cate
  19. Lissa
  20. Hannah
  21. True North
  22. Cate
  23. Lissa
  24. Hannah
  25. London
  26. Lissa
  27. Cate
  28. Lissa
  29. Hannah
  30. Bras
  31. Cate
  32. Hannah
  33. Cate
  34. Hannah
  35. Cate
  36. Hannah
  37. Lissa
  38. Hannah
  39. Lissa
  40. Hens
  41. Cate
  42. Hannah
  43. Lissa
  44. Hannah
  45. Cate
  46. Lissa
  47. Hannah
  48. Epithalamium
  49. Lissa
  50. Hannah
  51. Cate
  52. Lissa
  53. Hannah
  54. Lissa
  55. Hannah
  56. Cate
  57. Lissa
  58. Hannah
  59. Lissa
  60. 2012
  61. Hannah
  62. London Fields
  63. Acknowledgments
  64. About the Author
  65. Also by Anna Hope
  66. About the Publisher

Here is the framed photograph of the garden of the house in Cornwall where Nathan proposed, each blade of grass frosted, whole.

Here is the bookshelf along one wall, filled with poetry, with novels, with Nathan’s journals. (She, who grew up in a house with no books, can spend minutes standing in front of it, letting it speak back to her, the spines arranged by author, alphabetical: Adichie, Eliot, Forster, Woolf.)

Here is the rug they bought on a weekend in Marrakech. The night shopping in the souks, the haggling and then the final capitulation, and the exorbitant price to take it back on the plane. But it is beautiful, Beni Ourain—from the Atlas Mountains. A thick cream wool. It will bring you fortune said the seller, tracing the diamond patterns with his fingers, and was it her imagination or did his glance flicker to her womb as she took out her credit card and paid?

Here is the sofa they bought from a warehouse in Chelsea, and chose for its low mid-century lines, its dark slate-blue linen. The sofa on which she sat, two weeks after the first round of IVF, holding her test—the jubilation of those two clear pink lines. The sofa on which she sat cocooned in blankets while Nathan cooked—soups and risottos for his pregnant wife.

Here, a little way down the hall, is the bathroom. The white beveled tiles. The lotions in their plain brown glass jars. Here is the place where, three weeks after that test, she writhed in pain, where after a day of bleeding, she passed a clot. The fibrous sac that held the baby that did not live. That she and Nathan did not know how to dispose of. That, in the end, they took to the park late at night, where they dug a hole and buried it deep in the ground.

But wait, here—come, walk this way, down the hall to a little room—open the door and stand within, watch how the light falls, softer here, more diffused. This room waits, nothing in it but a quiet sense of expectation.

This is the house that Hannah built, three floors above London, floating in light.

THE STEW IS cooked and bubbling on the stove. There is crusty bread and a bowl of aioli. A bottle of white stands glistening on the counter and two glasses wait beside it. Hannah takes parsley and chops it, adding lemon and salt. She hears the front door and then Nathan is behind her, his hand on her back. “Hey.” She turns to him—a brief kiss on the mouth. “How’s the chapter going?” When he has writing to finish, her husband takes himself to the British Library. He says he likes it there on weekends, when the Reading Rooms are quieter; says he finds it easier to work there than at home.

“Oh, you know. Getting there, slowly.”