You see? All the signs and houses represent universal human traits and elements of life. And having read a lot of charts, I can tell you that most people have most signs and houses expressed somewhere in their charts, mostly in a random and even smattering.

The point is, astrology isn’t real. It is merely a framework through which to view the universe. It is a language. And I have continued to use that language, despite my lack of belief, because it makes people (myself included) less frightening to me. And it also pays the bills and, momentarily, made me rich.

But I recently saw how astrology can become dangerous. I made the mistake of reading too much into a client’s birth chart. All his planets were exalted, which—as my Instagram fans know—is an area of fixation for me, the idea that certain placements are, for lack of a better word, blessed. So I became blinded by this perfect chart, and I fell in love. It wasn’t real; it was projection. And it ended tragically. As tragically as it possibly could have gone. I will spare you the gory details.

So I guess the moral of the story is: if you’re using astrology as a fun way to joke with your friends or share memes or cut through the small-talky bullshit, by all means—don’t let me stop you. But if you’re using it for more: for answers, for solutions, or to escape yourself …

Proceed at your own risk.

I don’t even read it over. I just click send. And then I fall back asleep.

DAWN.

I awake to the sound of knocking. Pounding, really. At first I think I am just hungover and the noise is coming from inside my head. But then I realize someone is knocking at the door. I figure it is just Karen, whose job it is to rain on my parade.

The previous night was a blur, another blur. The text from Bo sent me spiraling. After work I needed a strong drink and a good fuck, so I went to the Purple Parrot. Unfortunately, there were no women there. So I drank at the bar while old queeny gay men tried to flatter me.

“Your hair!” one said.

“You look like Goldie Hawn!” said the other.

I didn’t love that. Goldie Hawn is goofy looking, and she has lost her looks. In high school people told me I looked like Christie Brinkley.