Scorpios are enigmatic and perceptive. This one is close to home because my chart is basically all Scorpio. I don’t believe in astrology anymore, but I can’t help but believe in Scorpios. We just seem to see things others can’t. And who can compete with the Scorpio sex appeal? (Don’t say Leos; they’re wayyyyyyy too literal!) But I guess we all have the capacity to be sexy and to perceive. We have to be sexy (to someone) to keep the human race alive and to perceive what is happening before us so we don’t get killed.

Scorpios rule the Eighth House, or the House of Death. Don’t make me explain this one. Okay, fine: We all die.

Sagittarians are optimistic and adventurous. We all have to take risks to reap rewards. And again, without any optimism, we lose our will to live.

Sagittarius rules the Ninth House, or the House of Travel and Philosophy. We all have to travel, even if it’s just from our home to our work, the post office, or a friend’s house. And we all have to have a certain way of viewing the world. It’s human nature to philosophize.

Capricorns are ambitious and practical, the daddies of the zodiac, if you will (Cancers are the moms). We all have to be practical about some things! Otherwise, we can’t survive. And, again, even the laziest among us are ambitious about something. Maybe it’s just a video game! We all have something. Having and meeting goals is what keeps us going.

Capricorns rule the Tenth House, or the House of Career. Most of us have to have a career in some form. If someone is independently wealthy, they have to manage their stocks or whatever the fuck rich people do (I wish I knew). We all have to do something.

Aquarians are popular and detached. Another weird contradiction here. They’re known for being zany and eccentric, but also able to get along with everyone. They’re emotionally cool but care deeply about humanity. If you have Aquarius in your chart, you’ll be able to see yourself, because the descriptions are so all over the place.

Aquarians rule the Eleventh House, or the House of Friendships and Community. I can say with authority that even the most isolated and antisocial among us will find a community. For me, it’s my local strip club.

Pisces are known for being sensitive and intuitive. Think of the most frigid person you know; they’re probably gentle toward something. Again, for me, it’s cats. And we all have to intuit emotions occasionally, to some degree. Otherwise we could get murdered!

Pisces rules the Twelfth House, or the House of Unconscious. We all have an unconscious! We all have a relationship to that unconscious, whether we’re repressed or uninhibited.