12. All squirrels are to be humanely euthanized and their meat is to be baked into pies given to disobedient children at Christmastime.

13. Any man who wishes to wear a V-neck in public must obtain written permission from the president personally. Applications for V-neck privileges should include pictures of the applicant wearing the requested garment(s). Applicants without defined pectorals and/or abdominals need not apply.

14. Every grocery store lane shall be a ten-items-or-less lane, because nobody needs more than ten groceries at once.

15. People who say “I could care less” are to be banished to a remote island with people who say “irregardless.”

16. Salad shall never be served as a meal.

17. All boxes of cereal shall cost one dollar, because it absolutely cannot cost eight dollars to make a box of Froot Loops.

18. Quinoa is banned because I don’t trust it.

19. All professional sports must be performed in the nude, except NASCAR because I don’t give a shit about NASCAR.

20. You know what, now that I think about it, let’s just ban NASCAR. No NASCAR or any cars that go faster than, like, fifty miles per hour.

21. Listening to music out loud in public shall be a crime punishable by immediate flogging.

22. Nobody with gross feet is allowed to wear open-toed shoes, in private or otherwise.

23. Outside will be heated and air-conditioned.

24. Anybody who utters the words “Can I speak to the manager?” will be locked inside a dimly lit room overlooked by a two-way mirror. Inside this room will be a desk with a locked drawer. Inside this drawer will be a gun. Inside this gun will be a single bullet. The offender will be given three clues to find a key hidden inside the room. The key will unlock the drawer. If successful, the offender will retrieve the gun and then be faced with a choice: either shoot themselves or fire at the two-way mirror, shattering the glass to find another room that may or may not lead them to safety. Unbeknownst to the offender, the second room will be occupied by a hungry mother grizzly bear recently separated from her newborn cub. If all goes well, the grizzly bear will rip the offender to shreds, whereupon the manager will enter to take the offender’s question.

25. And finally: universal health care. I mean, c’mon. We can’t let Canada have something that we don’t.

ON TERRIBLE FIRST JOBS

It should come as a surprise to absolutely no one that I don’t like to work. They say, “Get a job doing what you love, and you’ll never work a day in your life,” or some bullshit like that, but I like doing absolutely nothing, and nobody’s paying me to do that. Trust me, I’ve tried. If I could get paid for eating, I would do that, but at this point, people should be paying me to stop eating.