And if you think I’d be able to domesticate an animal of my own to help in my defense, well, consider that I’ve killed almost every pet I’ve ever been charged with raising. The first pet I had, a beautiful goldfish named Margaret that I’d convinced my parents I was responsible enough to keep alive, lasted less than one week before she died in an apparent suicide. Turns out, I was too proud of Margaret, and lugged her bowl from my bedroom every time guests visited, so I could show her off, but apparently sloshing a goldfish up and down two flights of stairs every day doesn’t provide for the most hospitable of aquatic environments. Rather than endure the tempest I created for her daily, Margaret went on a hunger strike and was found belly-up one afternoon when I went to fetch her for her Wednesday walk. Even Muffin the hamster didn’t last very long, though she died of what we think was an abdominal tumor that I couldn’t possibly have been responsible for. But I still probably had something to do with it.

So no, I do not think I would survive the apocalypse. It’s amazing I’m even able to stay alive without the apocalypse. Give me the slightest hurdle to jump over, and I guarantee you it kills me before my feet have the chance to leave the ground.

ON KEEPING A CLEAN AND TIDY APARTMENT

1. Dusting is something you only do if you don’t yet realize that dust is a lie perpetuated by the feather industry to make us believe rubbing dead goose wings on our furniture will make them clean. Guess what, feather industry? Furniture is like a cat. It basically cleans itself.

2. Likewise, a shower is a self-contained germ vacuum, and only requires an occasional light rinsing or heavy spitting on. I mean, have you ever heard of someone actually cleaning their shower when they’re in there basically every day with shampoos and conditioners and shaving creams? I don’t think so.

3. It’s only really necessary to clean your bathroom once over the course of a year, because, think about it, the cave people didn’t clean their bathrooms at all. They just shit outside. And they could kill, like, whole mastadons. Not cleaning the bathroom made them stronger.

4. A window basically half-belongs to the person on the other side of it, which means you only have to clean windows half as often as you think you should, and the rest of the time is someone else’s problem.

5. Sweeping the floors and/or mopping is unnecessary if you wear the right kind of socks.

6. If you can’t see the mess, it doesn’t exist, which is why baby Jesus invented shag carpeting, closets, and the space between couch cushions.