At this point, it was still only 8 p.m., but I was physically exhausted, and the only real famous person at the after-party was celebrity attorney Gloria Allred, so Jeremy and I left. On the way back to the hotel, we stopped and got tacos, and I dragged those tacos back to my hotel bed and ate them in my underwear with my award cradled beside me. And yes, I kissed her good night. And tucked her in. And was glad she was covered in taco grease, and not the juices of a cameraman’s skull.

•  •  •

The next day, I got a text message from a number I didn’t recognize, from a man named Eric who introduced himself as the man with the teeth who was sitting in front of me the night before. He asked if he could call me, and a few minutes later, we were on the phone together.

“I’m so sorry about what happened,” he told me. “I wasn’t even supposed to be in the audience, but I’m a vocal coach, and Jason is one of my students.”

Jason, I realize, was Jason Derulo.

“He was performing and he wanted me in the audience to watch him,” he said. “I had no idea why the cameras were on me, but they told me to smile!”

I assured him he did nothing wrong, it was the cameraman’s fault! And then I made him promise to give me vocal lessons. Because if this ever happens again, I sure as hell better be able to sing my way out of it.

acknowledgments

Sorry to my editor, Jhanteigh Kupihea, for missing just about every single deadline she assigned to me, for testing her abundant patience, and for mounting a serious campaign against her optimism. I hope I haven’t broken you completely. I understand if you have a voodoo doll made in my image and pierce it in the eye every single night. Honestly, if you don’t have one, I’d be disappointed.

Sorry to my literary agent, Cait Hoyt, for making you wonder whether I’d just been napping every time you tried to call me. (I was. I was napping every time.) She remains the only agent whose office I’ve nearly cried in, and I would be scared of her if she didn’t pay for every dinner we’ve ever eaten together. I’m convinced she would kill someone if I asked her. She probably already has.