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Back Everything Is Awful Save as PDF
Chapters (25)
  1. Cover
  2. Dedication
  3. EVERYTHING IS AWFUL, AND OTHER EMBARRASSMENTS
  4. ON BEING AN ADULT, OR I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I’M DOING
  5. ON THE TRAUMA OF HAVING (OR NOT HAVING) HAIR
  6. ON BEING “THE BIG GUY”
  7. RULES FOR A TOTALLY HEALTHY AND NOT-AT-ALL-MEDICALLY-CONCERNING LIFESTYLE
  8. ON MY OLD AND FRAGILE BODY, OR I FEEL BAD ABOUT MY EVERYTHING
  9. ON NEAR-DEATH EXPERIENCES, OR THAT TIME I CHOKED ON A TAQUITO
  10. A BRIEF LIST OF THINGS THAT I DON’T KNOW
  11. ON MICHIGAN
  12. ON THE TERRORS OF NATURE
  13. ON TEENAGERS AND WHY THEY’RE THE WORST
  14. ON MY FIRST 100 DAYS AS PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES
  15. ON TERRIBLE FIRST JOBS
  16. ON MY TROUBLED HISTORY WITH FASHION
  17. ON BEING IN THE CLOSET, OR WHY YOU SHOULD NEVER FALL IN LOVE WITH YOUR STRAIGHT BEST FRIEND
  18. ON RELATIONSHIPS, OR TRAITS FOR MY IDEAL MAN
  19. ON THE STICKY PERILS OF HAVING A ROOMMATE
  20. ON LIVING ALONE IN NEW YORK CITY
  21. ON SELF-SUFFICIENCY
  22. ON KEEPING A CLEAN AND TIDY APARTMENT
  23. ON NOT BEING THE PEOPLE’S CHOICE
  24. acknowledgments
  25. About the Author

7. Knows how to make pasta with his bare hands and also is maybe good enough to open his own restaurant and name it after me and have a picture of me hanging in the kitchen so when he’s old and I’m dead from a carbohydrate overdose, he can stare into my face and remember the times we spent laughing together with mouthfuls of his homemade tagliatelle.

8. Rides a bike to work but isn’t all fancy about it.

9. Is willing to read me bedtime stories upon request.

10. Has a psychic ability to tell when I need coffee and is able to supply it instantly when necessary.

11. Sweats only to the point where it’s sexy and not to the point where it’s all gross and gummy and starts to pool.

12. Knows how to accurately age any wheel of cheese with only a single sniff.

13. Is capable of physically bearing our children in his lush womb.

14. Has hair that isn’t too long but long enough to flow in the wind like the strands on a majestic wildebeest running in the African plains.

15. Can play the guitar but never does because one mere stroke of his strings has been said to bring the chilliest of men to irrepressible tears.

16. Capable of wearing a T-shirt and no bottoms without looking like a rampaging pedophile, which is a nearly impossible look to pull off. I mean, have you ever seen a man with just a shirt on? It’s horrifying almost always.

17. Can prepare an entire Thanksgiving dinner alone and feed it to me using only one giant spoon.

18. Can talk to birds, but only to shut them up when they start doing all their bird shit too early in the morning.

19. Can live with someone who will inevitably develop irritable bowel syndrome, if he hasn’t already, and have an unhesitating willingness to clean the bathroom on his own whenever necessary, which will be more necessary than most humans would consider normal.

20. Brings me donuts when he goes running in the morning because I’m sure as fuck not gonna get up and go running in the morning, and not just any donuts, but the warm kind from the good place that we went to that one time but whose name I can’t remember.

21. Lets me dictate who is big spoon and little spoon every single time with no protests.

22. Brings me free rice pudding.

ON THE STICKY PERILS OF HAVING A ROOMMATE