Nonetheless, I thought it wise to put forth an agenda—a working plan, if you will—of priorities that I might enact were I elected to a position to make them possible. I’m not saying this is the official declaration of my campaign for president, but if I were saying that, you might consider the following as the top of my to-do list.

Decrees I Would Make Immediately as President

1. Vice President Oprah Winfrey is to be appointed chief ego-booster to the president, and each day, she is to recite positive affirmations at me until I cry.

2. Any vegetable claiming to be a noodle, however thinly it may be sliced, is to be immediately exterminated, and any person who dare claims their vegetable is a noodle shall be sentenced to a life of hard labor in a pasta factory so they may understand that the true art of noodle-making will never include zucchini.

3. It shall be legal to violently murder any person who steps off an airplane, walks down the little hallway, and then stands right in front of the exit while they figure out where to go when there’s a whole line of people waiting behind them.

4. All Starbursts will be pink Starbursts and all who protest in favor of yellow, orange, or red will be executed on the spot in the name of our Lord and Savior, the Almighty and Powerful Pink Starburst.

5. All public restroom stalls will be fitted with doors that span the entire stall, leaving no gap for creepy coworkers to leer at you mid–bowel movement, even though sometimes you understand the urge to see yourself pooping through the gap in the stall door.

6. All hot guys with cute dogs shall be enlisted in the president’s secret reserves and called to serve at the pleasure of the president.

7. No reclining on airplanes because it’s a dick move and it should never have been allowed in the first place. Honestly, the person behind you has like six inches of freedom in front of their face, and you’re just gonna jerk back your cowardly spine and deprive them of air to breathe all for an extra ten degrees of comfort!? You’re an asshole and so is everybody you love.

8. Babies are to be kept on silent at all times, and if one goes off in public, it shall be discarded.

9. Honking a car horn for longer than one second shall be considered a crime punishable by an unrelenting air horn directly to the eardrum until explosion.

10. All microwaves shall heat Hot Pockets to the perfect temperature, whereby the saucy center is heated evenly with the crusty surface.

11. Anybody who complains about not liking the Kardashians shall be banned from enjoying anything ever again. Sorry you didn’t get famous for no reason. Let people enjoy their fucking reality TV show.