I still have accepting to do. But I can finally say I’m happy being fat. Do I still ogle muscled men? Yes. Do I still have pictures of them pasted to my apartment walls? Yes. Do I know now that a desire for those bodies is not exclusive of my own desirability? Of course. And do I wish I could still fit under the bed? Well, sure. But only because I’m pretty sure I dropped a Twix down there, and I’d really like to find it.

RULES FOR A TOTALLY HEALTHY AND NOT-AT-ALL-MEDICALLY-CONCERNING LIFESTYLE

I am, by many accounts, a vision of absolute health. I eat no less than seven meals a day, so I’m constantly bursting with nutrition. I exercised for a whole hour once last year. And I chug a few bottles of wine throughout the week, which is basically the same as juicing, but with even more antioxidants. In fact, my doctor says the wine “probably won’t kill you anytime soon,” which is the closest thing to a medical endorsement I’m getting for my budding alcoholism, and I’ll take it. Alas, nobody’s offered to put me on the cover of Men’s Health, or even the cover of a high-fiber cereal box with a gold medal around my neck, so I’m forced to cement my status as a health icon in my own way.

Here, a list of my tips for maintaining a strong, healthy, and not-at-all-medically-concerning lifestyle:

1. Any dessert with fewer calories than ice cream doesn’t actually count as dessert and can be consumed with utter and complete abandon. FroYo is basically water, and can be drunk as such.

2. Chewy chocolate chip cookies are like celery: you burn off more calories than they’re worth just from the energy you expend by eating them. Truly the only miracle food.

3. A single waffle with butter and syrup is the most well-balanced and nutritious meal on earth.

4. Eating a salad before or after eating a piece of cake cancels out the cake. Really, if you eat a salad, you can follow it with literally anything and it’s nutritious. And if you slip in your diet and have too much to eat: follow it with salad and your stomach resets. That’s just nutritional science.

5. Anything that’s been dropped on the floor is good enough to eat, and anybody who tells you otherwise is weak.

6. Legally, they can’t stop you from bringing chocolate lava cake into the gym.

7. Chewing is the body’s way of trying to stop you from swallowing at the speed you really want.

8. Two pots of coffee a day is a perfectly acceptable way to sustain yourself with enough energy to watch TV without moving.

9. Eating a whole cake is the same as eating just one piece, as long as you do it in the same amount of time.