And I feel massively crappy lying to her. But that’s the only way this whole operation works, right? Funny, grown-ups always preaching honesty.

Autumn: You think it’s okay if I go up there?

Me: tbh I’d wait. He was mostly sleeping.

Me: the only reason they let me see him was because I lied and said he was my brother.

Autumn: Okay. Think it’s cool if you gave me his number? I wanna text him later. Maybe call.

Me: Yeah, I’ll send it now

Me: Hey what about you?? You ok??

Autumn: other than the fact that I didn’t sleep at all because I was worried sick? Yeah, I’m okay.

Me: And . . . what about us.

Me: Are we ok?

Autumn: No.

Autumn: We shouldn’t be.

Autumn: You hurt me and that doesn’t just go away.

Me: Yeah I know

Autumn: But.

Autumn: And this is gonna sound real morbid and prolly selfish but whatever cuz it’s real.

Me: I’ve been warned.

A few minutes pass and I wonder what she’s doing.

The wait agonizing.

Was she trying to decide how to say it, if to say it?

Was she distracted by another text from someone else?

Had she fallen asleep?

Decided I wasn’t even worth a morbid, selfish thought?

My phone vibrates, but it’s just a text from the library, my books overdue.

Me: Hey you still there?

But my phone buzzes the same time I tap Send.

Autumn: I can’t stop thinking what if the worst happened today . . . like . . .

Autumn: what if you’d died in that water? On that dumb-ass beach?

Autumn: Like, that fight would’ve been our last moment together.

Autumn: How horrible would that’ve been???

And I want to say, I know exactly how horrible because that’s how I feel right now. About Q. That fight on that dumb-ass beach was our last moment together.

I tap the crying emoji but delete it.

Me: I don’t want to think about that.

Autumn: me either but it’s basically ALL I’ve thought about so thanks for that dude.

Autumn: story moral: don’t lie to me!!!! LIKE EVERRRR.

Me: I won’t.

Me: EVERRRRRRRR.

Aside from the earth-shattering lie I just told you about Q.

But really, what choice do I have?

Me: do you wanna come over later?

Autumn: I’m glad you and q are okay but . . .

Autumn: honestly I don’t really wanna see you rn.

Which, fair.

Me: I’m so sorry, Autumn

And I wait for her reply, but it never comes.

There are dozens of texts from Whit.

A few from kids who’d been on the beach too, asking if Q’s okay.

As far as anyone’s concerned, Q is alive and well; just waiting to be cleared by the doctors, after which he will return home, Mr. Oklahoma had explained.

I scroll Whit’s thread.