Apparently, the food is all fantastic and also free, which I thought was something that only happened at tech giants like Google. As I gaze around the food court at the grill, the salad bar and the omelette station, I can’t help but calculate not only how much money I’ll save, but how much time and headspace. No more assembling the next day’s lunch after Tabs has gone to bed. Now I just need them to do my laundry for me, too.

A woman can dream, right?

‘Great!’ I say brightly. Elaine is a lovely woman whose age I’d put in the mid-forties range. Her light brown hair is styled in a long bob, and she has the most genuine smile. I’m grateful to her for taking me under her wing, because to say I’m feeling discombobulated after Brendan’s particular brand of onboarding is putting it mildly.

I’m actually compiling a mental list of things I need to stock up on. Lube, for sure, because that fit was tight. Wrist supports, possibly—a high plank has nothing on doggy-style on the floor for putting undue pressure on the wrists—and definitely an ice pack. I anticipate feeling very sore by tomorrow.

One thing I don’t need, it seems, is moisturiser. Athena told me that Camille makes a big deal about aftercare with its clients. Seraph has all kinds of tutorials about it, apparently. Brendan’s brand of aftercare appeared to be mainly a cheeky slap on the bottom for a job well done, so it surprised me when I emerged from putting myself back together in the swanky marble bathroom attached to his office to find him patting the sofa next to him.

Annoyingly, he didn’t look like he’d just had a shagathon. He was back to being perfectly put together, dark hair raked effortlessly back and his attire immaculate. He winked at me, dropping to his knees on the carpet once I was sitting and picking up a tub of what looked like fancy body butter. He then proceeded to rub said body butter into my carpet-burnt knees with a charming grin as I stared down at him, completely dumbfounded.

Now that was discombobulating.

After our tour, I make myself comfortable at my new desk. I’m sitting in a spacious, low-walled cubicle next to Elaine and across from some of the other assistants who look after the rest of the management team on this floor. My sleek computer makes the one I had at the Royal Academy seem like an ancient relic. I just hope I don’t embarrass myself working out how to use it.