Pat still had the silly grey beard on, but his face was serious. His eyes were so soft and brown – no hint of that teasing glint in them now.

‘Actually, that’s kind of why I started this whole Vagina Monologues thing,’ I confessed. ‘I told everyone that I care about St Mary’s, and want to change things, and help all the clueless freshmen who think a pap smear is someone insulting the pope. But really I just wanted to piss off Father Hughes and get sent home … to live with my dad in California. But I should’ve known it wouldn’t work. At the beginning of the semester, I was in big trouble – my dad even flew in to talk to Father Hughes. I thought he was definitely gonna take me home then, but he didn’t.’

I picked up a ruby slipper from The Wizard of Oz and threw it over the cardboard hillside from The Sound of Music.

‘He’d rather have me die here of torture-inflicted Catholic frostbite at the hands of a sadistic priest than actually be a dad,’ I finished bitterly. ‘He wants me to be miserable.’

Silence. Pat had picked up a cowboy hat from Oklahoma! and was turning it around in his hands. ‘Maybe he doesn’t want you to be miserable.’

‘Well, he’s not doing a great job at it.’

‘The middle-aged are not always on point when it comes to dealing with their kids,’ Pat said. ‘I mean, does my mom commenting “hot stuff” every time I change my profile picture boost my self-confidence, like she’s hoping? No. It gets my head shoved in a duffel bag full of jockstraps. But she has good intentions. Didn’t you say your dad went to St Mary’s? And played hockey, and won the championship, and all that stuff, right? And those were, like, the best years of his life?’

He placed the cowboy hat softly on my head.

‘Maybe he thinks it’ll be the same for you,’ he said. ‘Maybe he thinks St Mary’s will kinda be like a family for you, since yours split up.’

I sighed. ‘Well, my dad is delusional, especially when it comes to St Mary’s. He thinks there’s some, like, secret spy tunnels under the campus. He’s seriously clueless.’ I shook my head.

Then I saw that Pat was looking at me strangely – narrowing his eyes as if he was trying to make a decision about something. I guess suddenly he decided because he hopped off the Round Table and held out his hand.

‘I wanna show you something,’ he said.

‘If it’s a duffel bag full of jockstraps, I think I’ll stay here, thanks.’

‘Get your coat,’ he whispered. ‘We’re going for a walk.’