There was friction, to say the least. But Mary Kate had been there every step of the way – not only entirely rewriting the play with me and coming up with vaginal euphemisms ranging from ‘body’ and ‘private parts’ to ‘down below’ – which made it sound like you could find the clitoris on a globe somewhere around New Zealand – but playing peacemaker between me and Katie Casey, too.

But Mary Kate wasn’t here anymore; she was hiding her plastered nose back at the dorm, only leaving (with a scarf wrapped around her face) when she had to go to class. She wasn’t even coming to rehearsals. And now, at a rehearsal that had run so late we had all missed dinner, the friction was about to spark into a fire.

‘I just don’t know about Claudia being in that position onstage,’ Katie said.

‘That position,’ I informed her, ‘is for medical reasons. This isn’t Claudia doing a striptease.’ Again I looked over at Claudia doubtfully. ‘Probably. This is a medical procedure. People should know about pap smears and personal health.’

‘You’re totally right, Alex; I totally agree with you that health is important. I just don’t think this needs to be right out here onstage. The whole idea of Save Your Heart is saving some things – some special, personal things – just for ourselves.’

‘You mean hiding things and being ashamed of them,’ I shot back.

Claudia looked up from filming herself. ‘You know,’ she informed us, ‘I don’t even need the stirrups. I’m perfectly capable of spreading my legs for extended periods of time.’

That deserved some kind of joke, but I was not in the mood. Instead, I picked up the crutch again and told Katie Casey, ‘Either I get my stirrups, or this thing gets shoved up –’

‘Good evening, ladies and gentleman!’

I whirled around, crutch in hand, to see Father Hughes coming down the aisle, smiling calmly. Fantastic. What? Had Katie Casey secretly sent up the virgin signal? No, she didn’t need to. Father Hughes was our faculty advisor now. He could come waltzing in, in those doomsday priest shoes, anytime he wanted and take control.

No way in hell was I getting my stirrups now.

Calmly surveying the terrified cluster of Save Your Heart girls in the wings, Claudia in her sports bra, Katie Casey and I facing off center stage and the crutch raised menacingly in my hand, Father Hughes asked, ‘Is there some kind of problem here?’

‘Only the continued destruction of my creative vision,’ I fumed. ‘Apparently, Ms Casey doesn’t appreciate my “original thinking”, which you’re always talking about when I get dragged up to your office.’

Katie Casey explained the stirrups in her own annoyingly sweet way, concluding, ‘But I’m sure together we can find a more appropriate way to stage it.’

Father Hughes began, ‘I’m afraid I’ll have to agree with –’