‘All right!’ Pat blew his whistle just to be an asshole, then recapped: ‘Mary Kate, you’ve learned four important plays: the Hail Mary, the Counter, the Slant and the Hook. And Alex, you have made dirty jokes about the following terms: pocket, sack, and one I still don’t completely understand about the quarterback sneak.’

‘I’ll send you a video that will clarify everything.’ I winked.

‘Now.’ Pat squatted on his haunches and set the football down. ‘You owe me. I wanna know why you guys hate sports.’

Mary Kate sat up. I sat up. We looked at each other, very serious.

‘Is it time?’ I asked her.

She nodded. ‘It’s time.’

And we told him the story of how we met.

We told him about that infamous day during freshman orientation. We told him how a fun, casual, get-to-know-you dodgeball game transformed into a dog-eat-dog fight to the death. How our friendly, freckly new dorm mates morphed into monstrous, bloodthirsty beasts, growling and spitting and exchanging viciously satisfied high fives when they struck an enemy and she crumpled to the ground. How, in the horror of that Roman arena where whip-fast rubber balls bombarded us relentlessly and cries of pain echoed to the ceiling, we found each other hiding by the back wall. Normally, Mary Kate would have been terrified of my purple hair and piercings, but there was no time for that. We had to get out – and there was one glimmer of hope: the emergency exit.

‘We knew it would set the alarm off,’ Mary Kate explained. ‘But it actually was an emergency because we thought we were going to die.’

‘And, just as I grabbed Mary Kate’s hand to make a run for it, we looked up,’ I said. ‘Everyone else on our team was gone.’

‘It was just me and Alex … face to face with one of the Rowers.’

‘Who?’ Pat asked.

‘These terrifying crew chicks in our dorm,’ I said. ‘They’re insanely ginormous. Think offspring of Boudicca and that tree monster from Guardians of the Galaxy.’

‘And she was holding a dodgeball,’ Mary Kate continued.

‘Which looked like a grapefruit in her hand,’ I added. ‘But I knew I had to protect Mary Kate. She was so tiny and scared!’ I reached over and pinched her cheek.

‘Yup, Alex stepped up to the line,’ Mary Kate said. ‘And, when the Rower threw the ball, she caught it!’

My room-mate looked at me proudly and reached over to pat my shoulder.

I nodded solemnly. ‘Right between my boobs.’

Pat, who was lounging with his legs stretched out in the grass, whistled in admiration. ‘Maybe your boobs should get in on this football game then.’

‘Oh hell, no,’ I said, lighting a clove. ‘This hit my exercise quota for the month.’ I looked at Mary Kate and said, ‘I’ll be on the sideline cheering you on – but you’re on your own, Cupcake Pants.’